Ekam Eveileb

"So many others have claimed to come to my rescue but they've never actually made it clear as to why I need to be saved and what exactly they're saving me from. "

2012-02-09T00:10:00.003+08:00

*First things first. I know many people disagree that Muslim girls should label themselves as Hijabis and Non-Hijabis, but for the sake of discussion, to help me bring across whatever it is that I might convey, in this circumstance, I shall use the given terms.*

I see a stark difference between the "advises" which both sides throw at each other. Whether both arguments can be justified, you decide.

Fortunately many of us have read through posts and articles on how both parties are wrong in judging one another, and so it has been established that the issue on freely passing judgement has been cleared or understood, somewhat.

With that aside, we can safely move on and put this behind us. Yes?

NO.

I think both sides need to be clear as to the possible reasons why those claims were made in the first place. Now on to justifying them, starting with one end of the spectrum , shall we?

Firstly the non hijabi has to understand that the hijabi may find her uninformed of the hijab. If she happens to be a knowledgable fellow, then great, mashAllah. You see, this happens everyday with all sorts of things- not only with the hijab. People come to us and talk about something that we're already informed of. What's wrong with just hearing them out? You could politely dismiss it if you feel the need to. Hearing the same thing from different voices give you a wider perspective, it might just benefit you. It ain't gonna make you more stupid, it ain't gonna cause you to lose whatever that you already have set in your mind. Just because the hijab is a sensitive topic to be talked about these days does not make it a matter which should not be discussed at all. Surely it can be handled without the other or both being immature.

Now when the hijabi delivers her points in a rude manner, or in a tone that you dislike or may find unpleasant, then reply with kindness and show who's the better Muslim through your actions. To retaliate with harshness just makes the flame bigger.

Imagine a kind hijabi who comes and talks to you into wearing the hijab. [Hey on a side note, do they come by often? I should suppose so. (I like to think that mean hijabis are few. Of course I'm deceiving myself. But for the purpose of discussion, it is advised that you think of a hijabi whose intentions are good:) ) Now we can start.

I cannot stress more on the fact that you must have an open mind. It is essential because at times, when you find the hijab an extremely sensitive topic, the slightest mention of it sets you off. You might take offence at the tiniest bit of naseeha. Therefore by having an open mind, it allows you to take in what the hijabi is trying to convey. Know that in most cases (And if she is genuinely sincere,) the hijabi is only trying to bring you closer to obeying the Maker. Since there is no other way more effective to encourage someone to wear the hijab other than to have a dialogue about it, (to speak, to talk, to use the tongue) the non-hijabi has to understand that the advice that is being directed to her is far from a plan that is to bring her away from Islam; it is in fact an invitation to act in accordance to the teachings of the Qur'an and the Sunnah, not in any way an invitation to pull you out or bring you farther away from the Qur'an and Sunnah. Try to have that in mind, and you'll see the advice in a totally different light. One way to put this is that the invitation is to do good, not evil. Is wearing the hijab in any way, evil? Put "intentions" for wearing the hijab aside. Just by covering parts of the body in any sense, it that bad? I daresay that most right minded people on this planet, Muslim woman or not, will agree that it isn't. (I mean, at least there was a point in history when all women agree that exposing one's self too much is degrading.) Another is to see it in the long run. The advice is in a way, part of the very very huge ticket to Jannah, is it not? Think of it this way. Someone just came to me because she wants to save me. This advice is aimed at saving me from the punishment that I might receive from not covering. They mean no harm at all, they mean good.

You should think of it in the nicest way possible. To see the good in everything is to find the blessing in it. Think. Maybe she wants me to share the joy that is felt in the ibadah of pleasing Allah. Maybe she cannot bear the thought of knowing that I am not living the Sunnah. Maybe she cannot stand the men gawking at my body, my hair. Maybe she wants me to be given respect, to feel respected and honoured. Maybe she has been praying for nothing but good to befall me. Maybe she remembers me in her prayers. Maybe she wants me to realise that it is a command from The Almighty, not a made-up story, not something that she came up with. Maybe she is not selfish; in the sense that she wants me to have the knowledge that I might have not had before. Maybe all she wants is to invite me to goodness, nothing less. I see nothing evil or suspicious in her plans. She isn't mocking me. Perhaps I should think good of her. Perhaps her intentions are good. Perhaps her words are harmless and her heart is true.

People, the debate on whether the hijab is compulsory is also a 'dying debate'. Look it up.

Moving on to the other side of the spectrum. When non-hijabis complain about hijabis being judgmental, rude, not understanding etc, what should the hijabi be reminded for?

Well, salaams to you, one who covers her head for the sake of Allah azza wajal (inshAllah. If I may add). Know that in giving advice, especially a good advice, one which is aimed at convincing or informing the other about a certain commandment of the Creator, you are in the state of giving da'wah. Particularly in giving someone a piece of mind about the Hijab and the ruling that surrounds it and so on, it is important to bear in mind that:

you must not ever think that you are better than them in any way possible. Inviting them to don the headscarf is inviting them to do good, true, but perhaps they will even do better as a hijabi than you.
you do not want to deter the person from wearing it by scaring them. How? References to the Hereafter should be highlighted in the sense that you emphasize on which life is more lasting. But do not say that by not covering, they will be admitted into the Fire, rather say that by covering, one gets the hasanaat of pleasing Allah because one as lived accordingly to the Quran and Sunnah and it may just be one's ticket of admittance into Paradise.
Use kindness, employ words which are of substance and meaning,
remind yourself that at the moment, you are what they see as a representative of what being a hijabi is, a real life exhibit or model. Therefore good character has to be maintained (in speech, in hand gestures, in the matters which you address or find worthy of being talked about)
remind yourself that you are doing it out of love for them,
and out of love of The Creator, Allah SWT.

These are merely my observations on how hijabis and non-hijabis alike fail to see what lies beneath the "naseeha" s, how they fail to see the good and how they are quick to see and point out the bad.

In no way am I recommending myself as the ideal giver of naseeha. This is a brief analysis of how the situation ought to go about. Just something that crossed my mind today.

May Allah purify our intentions and guide us all in doing what is right and forbidding what is wrong.

Uh-Oh!

2012-01-29T01:00:00.003+08:00

I was browsing through some really good blogs and immediately hit Follow when this came up on my Dash:

o.O Whoa. What. How?!

Okay.

But seriously though. I ought to un-follow some crappy blogs anyway. Why was I following them again..

Some have it worse.

2012-01-16T10:06:00.004+08:00

I've been meaning to write a substantive post but Blogger.com won't let me do so. (I always say this. I hadn't realised that it was getting old for some people:P) My internet keeps getting cut off as well. ARGH. Also, I've been trying to keep myself focused on my books, to study, because A-levels is no joke.. but I can't. Sure, many things aren't really going the way I planned, but sometimes you just got to read or look at something "funny" (like the above picture) to make you think, "hey some people have it worse, and they make it better by telling themselves it is not that bad."

In the meantime, check out mommy's business page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/All-Things-Nice/217661068309655

An overview of 2011's Thoughts and Sentiments.

2012-01-01T05:07:00.010+08:00

I am NOT sorry if this should come off as a depressing read to you :]

The year 2011 has finally passed. I finally got on an airplane. (ticks one number off bucket list.) Travelled alone by air and by bus. The year would have ended in a high note if only I had perfected my waveboarding skills by 12midnight LOL.

I kid. I ain't got no skills. I'm just starting to get used to wheeling myself around. Pretty fun if you ask me :D

2011.) It was a year full of discovery. Discoveries, actually. I had gone through a lot, and pretty much survived it all. There were many changes. I guess in words, 2011 was a year full of doubt, confusion, mistakes, misery, depression, fluctuation, inconsistency, alteration and instability.

Sounds bad doesn't it? Hear me out first.

I had never been this quiet (vocally) in my entire life. Those who have just met me this year -my college friends, mostly, would think that I have always been this shy, this timid, this quiet. The truth is, it's something I've just recently developed. I don't know if I even like being called 'quiet'. I know for a fact that I've always been the chatty one, the one who was loud, the one whom my parents call "kay poh".

However many things happened this year; these things tormented me and I had to live with them, alone, for a long time. I'm never the one to keep things away from people over long periods of time. But this one, it was something big. I had to confine it within my own mind and it had caused me to think and re-think it, over and over again. It was painful, having something at the back of your tongue, and keeping it there 'till it burns a hole. It was torture, crying myself to sleep. It was torture, watching people leave after ending a conversation with me and I'm left there to contemplate on whether I should let them in on my big secret. It was torture to see others pass me by without asking how I was doing when normally it wouldn't bother me if they didn't. It was torture being on the verge of tears everytime you think about it, and feeling like the ultimate loser in class when you can't answer something. It was torture to eat and drink when you're not tasting anything but pain.

This was a time when I spoke the least, formed the shortest of sentences, articulated ever so briefly, expressed joy or sadness ever so dully. Many things drained from my system; creativity, sharpness, the drive and passion to learn and study, my interest and fascination for many other things..

I was much confused as to whether this was part of growing up or was it just me. And I often wondered if other people went through the same things. I teared up so easily, laughed so easily. I actually still do.

And then, in the midst of all this wavering, unsettled emotions, I discovered many organisations and projects too, which I tried to get involved in as much as possible. I used these times as getaways. I wanted to be so busy so I wouldn't think of my own problems. Later I pretty much became obsessed with dealing with the problems of others. I had many roles and loads of work to do.

The projects helped me a lot. I had the opportunity to meet the right people, but still I barred myself from opening up. I limited myself to asking as if I was a third party asking for advice. Soon after hearing many different answers, I complied them and formulated my own solution. I managed, alhamdulillah.

So the promise of my Lord was proven true, alhamdulillah. "Verily with every difficulty, comes ease" [94:6] I then began to realize that I've adapted to these changes mostly single-handedly and that all the pain may have well been worth it. I also learnt how to let go, forget and forgive. This was the tricky part and I'm still learning. I held grudges, but now I'm letting bits of it go. It's not easy and I'm working on it.

I was very restless and uneasy. Breathing literally was hard for me. But then I met people who were fighting harder battles, and then I thought to myself that it is all in the mind. I had been making things hard for myself. I was arrogant. I thought I was woman enough to handle everything by myself. True, I was wrong. People came and offered their help. Some I refused, some I reluctantly accept. So perhaps because my mind was unsettled, other parts of my body that my mind had control over became a little hay-wired.

But, alhamdulillah I got over all of that. I remember how I used to get annoyed with the teeniest things people do but now I'm surprised at how much all of that has changed. I had hated and despised motivational talks. I hated the idea that someone comes to you and decides what's going to work for you and what's not. But now I'm starting to- nope, my opinion still has not changed-, ...I'm just starting to take it in a different light. To not take it to the heart nor too hard. I must see it as somebody else's opinion and I need to respect it. If I don't agree with it, I'll just keep it in my mind and there's no need to feel bad about it because it wasn't my business in the first place. So can you imagine how complicated my life was before? I took things way too seriously. I wished I had learned how to have a good laugh at some things in life, earlier.

After that was solved, I felt like I could breathe a bit more easier. There was more space in my heart for love. Hatred was thrown off.. well, some of it. I felt a bit lighter, which was good. There were lesser worries. Other things that did not concern my life, I tried to chuck them away. De-cluttering is always good, isn't it? I never realised what a depressed child I was until I started to take things down a notch. I actually tried to enjoy life. (insert big glistening, teary eyes here :') )

Did you know that I used to laugh mockingly at people who say: "seize the moment. Close your eyes and breathe in slowly, feel the serenity blah blah" LOL. My posts this year consisted of that exactly! That was how I knew I was changing for the better. I mean, as ridiculous as it used to sound to me, embracing the moment is now a pretty awesome thing to say and do. I found myself one day at the balcony with my eyes closed and inhaling and exhaling like nobody's business, like I had all the time in the world. When I eventually realized how stupid I looked, I went back to my rushed and harsh life. At the end of that very same day I thought about it and laughed till I cried, realizing how much I've been missing out.

Okay so things didn't exactly go so well after all that mediation. I attended many eman-boosting lectures, I did some research on my own about certain topics in Islam. I then fell in love more deeply with it alhamdulillah. Things then began to improve. I felt the need to know more and more.

The problem is that the quiet and unsociable me that I have become kinda got stuck and I never really gotten back to the chirpy little bird that I was. Maybe it's better this way? I don't know. Sometimes I feel that it's bad that people don't approach me and sometimes I feel it's good that people don't approach me. Hmmm.

And of course, one thing that did not improve.. in fact did got worse was the asdfghjkl acne problem. Please excuse my French. If anyone wants to know how big of a pain this has caused me, then please feel free to read this post: http://yasminsmanyfaces.tumblr.com/post/14114478534/honesty-hour-smudging-my-eyeliner

Anyway, with that aside..

I think it is okay to say that it was fairly a challenging year. Period.

I still have not gotten over my paranoia of many things; of blowing at ants, of hand-dryers, or lifts etc. I still have not gotten my driver's license although I did drive in the carpark once with a friend's Innova. There are many things left to do, like getting married. Lol! that was a joke. But ovbiously Allah has plans for me. Not everything I want or want gone is going to happen over a year all at once.

2011 has taught me many things. But I don't need January 1 of 2012 to tell me to make a whole list of "New Year's Resolutions". I can start now if I want to. My list is all up here in my head, inshaAllah.

I want the confident and hardworking Yasmin back. Ya Allah please return her to me.

p/s: Just as I was beginning to get comfortable with writing 2011 as the date, now I'll have to change that to 2012??!!

Observation: Fangirling is not ok.

2011-12-29T18:40:00.007+08:00

I might be wrong on this, so feel free to correct me.

If there is one moment when Muslim girls embarrass me the most, it's when they meet a famous or well-known male Muslim figure and go all "fangirly". The moment I see things like this I just wanna run and hide. I told y'all about when Boona Mohamed told my friend that he doesn't take pictures with girls, right? Yes. Even before the girls told us to ask for his permission, I was already all set to tell them to leave. Lol ok maybe I didn't actually think that, but I knew he wouldn't want to! 1- He's married, 2- He's a Muslim. About 2 days before that, Boona performed at IIUM and towards the end he opened the floor to Q&A's. A girl came up to the mic and started expressing how great he was mashAllah and how awesome it is that he speaks poetry about Islam etc. Even at that time, I was already getting uncomfortable. Told you I get annoyed very easily. :/All I want to say to these girls is, "Jeez, calm down, yo." Can't you express your admiration to a certain person in a more... I don't know, quieter way? Can't you admire someone from afar and keep it hushed? It feels not right to say it openly as it will cause fitnah. Even if you coat it with "Islamic expressions" like MashAllah. I mean, compare these two: "OMG you're hot!" and "OMG you're hot mashAllah!" -said by a Muslim girl to another Muslim guy who isn't her Muhrim. I don't see the difference. Unless you go, "MashAllah that was a very nice poem!". Also there was one time last week, a girl came up to Muslim Belal and told him how awesome he was in his face. I didn't actually see this one, I heard. But even if it wasn't true, if a girl did that, I'd want to grab a niqab and cover my face. Where's your hayaa' and dignity? If the famous figure is a non-Muslim, I get even more embarrassed. Like seriously, hijabies screaming when they see Jude Law in person. (oh gosh Jude Law!! :P) Girls, I know they're dope + Muslim, but still...

So when is Fangirling ever ok? when you keep it low ;)

A reminder to myself too. Just sayin'.

On videos worth sharing.

2011-12-29T12:45:00.000+08:00

So this one is the Arabic nasheed which got me all teary :'(

This one was touching as well :'(

Ahaaa. "no one in particular.." pshh. yea right. Anyway, this one was requested! Him talking about a sister who has supposedly caught his eye. As I've already mentioned in my earlier post, this one got all the mothers and aunties talking. LOL. Not surprised at the tremendously loud applause xD

P/S: I'm still looking around Youtube for some of the talks that were delivered during the two days of the festival. I'll add on to this post inshaAllah :) In the meantime I hope y'all watch these videos and may it be beneficial. Ameen.

Wallah this is important.

2011-12-28T13:50:00.000+08:00

One thing that everyone who deals with me needs to know is that I don't reveal my age so easily unless it is of the essence that I do. This is from experience. I hate it when I casually answer to a question regarding my age, and then people start taking me less seriously and give me less serious work. My age has absolutely nothing to do with my capability of doing work and it is despicable that anyone should think that the number of years one has lived limits one's self-efficacy. Well yes, sometimes it is required of me to get parental consent and things like that. People ask me about transport; to get to one place to another since I cannot drive yet, and other things. I know that at times it's out of concern, but I really like to feel independent most of the time. I would appreciate it if people treat me like an adult. Look at me and talk to me like an adult. I'm seventeen and I'm turning twenty in 3 years. How about that huh.

TWINS OF FAITH HIGHLIGHTS.

2011-12-28T11:59:00.010+08:00

1. My AlKauthar booth team was uh-mazing, despite... (let's just save this for some other time lol)

2. Going up the steep escalator and getting electrocuted while going down.

3.Occasionally peeking into the Plenary Hall/Auditorium only to shed tears listening to the powerful talks delivered by Sh.Navaid, Sh. Yahya, Sh.Tawfique and Sh.Alaa. Wept during the performances by Boona Mohamed, Muslim Belal and Muadz's Arabic Nasheed. Sad that I didn't get to hear Sh.Bilal Philips or any of the talks in full, but I'm grateful nonetheless. I had sat in the car and talked to Bilal Philips once this year, 2 days ago I talked to Sh Yahya about some Salafis, Boona Mohamed spoke to my friend a couple of times telling her, "Sorry you'll have o do all my dirty work. Tell them I don't take pictures with girls" and later on "mashAllah you did a great job! Jazakillah"-LOL, watched Muslim Belal's failed undercover in a thoub and a cap going around our booth and stealing sweets-LOL.

5. When every single SINGLE (-aka not married) muslim girl in the Auditorium who heard Muslim Belal's requested poem called "Sister" think he was talking about them when obviously he was talking about me. LOL (not that he's going to read this. oh pfft :P)

4. When a niqabi sister tapped my shoulder as I was standing alone on the steps in the dark Auditorium, watching someone delivering their talk (can't remember who) and said, "Yasmin? Yasmin from Tumblr?" I was beyond astonished, wallah! Wow how did she recognise me! So we hugged and exchanged salaams. Note to the sister: I'm sorry I think I was a bit disoriented. -As in, I was caught off-guard. I can't remember if I even spoke in English! Come to think of it now, I think I spoke Malay? o.O Visit her blog here.

5. When another sister from this blogosphere recognised me as a fellow blogger. and I know her and her sisters through their blogs! So we talked and talked. At the end of the day she came to me asking for a photo. I told her I don't know why she wanted a photo but oh well I have a picture of us in my phone but it's all so blurry :( Anyway she was very nice she told me about her mum who is sort of like a speech therapist. She's willing to help Khidir using this program which I'll check out later. Jazakillah ukhti! Visit her blog here.

6. Vivy Sofinas Yusof, yes that Founder of FashionValet.net and famous Malaysian fashion icon tweeted a picture of me and my booth when I was registering her and her sister for the course HomeSweetHome TEEHEEExD Visit her blog here.

7. All the other volunteers who worked so so hard to make the two-day event a success. All those sleepless nights :') Y'all working for Allah, aight? Correct your intentions, bro. Puhlease.

8. Bobbing my head to the beatboxing parts in Zain Bhika's First We Need The Love song. It was TOF's theme song, and nope no haraam musical instruments were used. 0:)

9. The same lines rolling off my tongue over and over again, promoting and giving people a briefing on what exactly AlKauthar is and what courses they teach. Visit alkauthar.org!

10. Those people who came by the booth again after the event, thanking me. I thought it was too much; people smiling, thanking me, taking me by the hand and even calling me by name LOL. But they looked so genuine and appreciated me spending time telling them about the AlKauthar. Soo glad to put smiles on their faces :)

11. The group meeting that night where the guys of our team admitted that they had done nothing to bring it to a success. That was funny because I said, "nah what are you talking about.. it's a collective effort!" but a second later I wish I'd taken never said that because Sakeena shamelessly agreed hahaha. Gotta lover her! But anyway, everyone agreed that the girls did a lot of the work. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah for everything. Allah had willed it to happen, so..

12. When our Project Manager told us that as our rewards, we get a free AlKauthar course- any of our choice! JOY TO THE WORLD.

13. The Hi-Tea we had the next day with all the mushayikhs. Tres awesome.

14. When you get to know that within an hour Malaysians have pledged RM1.9 million for MercyMission. ALHAMDULILLAH A MILLION TIMES OVER. And a 20-year old guy pledged RM100k and Sh.Alaa was like, "sisters! where's the line? c'mon he's 20!" or something along that line. Hahaha. You should've seen what all the mums were like after that! *faints.

15. That feeling of humility when Sh.Tawfique tells you that there were indeed many flaws in the event and that we should be critical with ourselves. It's the only way we'll improve. I realized that I've always held on to that: Seeing all the bad about myself and letting others see al the good in me. Not to say that we should be pessimists, rather we should adopt a more critical method or approach with ourselves. Be harsh on yourself. 3000 attendees is nothing, he said. There are about 17 million Muslims in Malaysia. 3000 is not even 1%.

16. That moment when you notice a couple of guys addressing you "dear sister" and you're like "just because it's an islamic event" -________- what's the difference, bro? LOL. But yeah, dear brother, take care dude ;)

Another post coming up. But for now..

2011-12-26T21:17:00.001+08:00

2 MORE DAYS!

2011-12-22T18:07:00.000+08:00

Twins of Faith in Utusan!

2011-12-14T16:05:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah. Early bird promo ends today, 14th Dec. For those of you who would like to still purchase tickets, do send me an email!

*Utusan: local Malaysian newspaper

For those who would like to know______________.

2011-12-12T21:56:00.002+08:00

Holding on to the past. (?)

2011-12-09T22:19:00.001+08:00

My posts from the previous years don't make sense at all! Now you might ask, if you're so embarrassed by them why do you keep them? I DON'T KNOW.

Might delete some soon. Should delete some soon. ~~Was I really that young and immature?~~
-___________-

NOTE THE TABS ABOVE! :D

Sewing: a lady's thing -LOL

2011-12-09T17:11:00.002+08:00

This is one of my latest projects. I've been working it for quite some time but I stopped halfway through because of exams and all that. Now it's nearly complete! It used to be a thick shawl, by the way :)

FIVE BEFORE FIVE.

2011-12-08T17:43:00.000+08:00

//MashaAllah moment right now. BRB //

what are webcams for

2011-11-30T21:11:00.001+08:00

We sure have lotsa fun during Eng Lit classes -___-

Too precious.

2011-11-30T20:27:00.001+08:00

Salams everyone! I have sort of moved to another blog and will post more frequent entries there. InshAllah daily..? Yeah that's the plan. Here feels too formal if you know what I mean. This place is, undoubtedly, filled with memories that I want to hold on to. I do not plan to entirely cease blogging on this url. This will be for lengthy posts, I guess. My last few entries look very out of place, don't they. :/ Anyway, do know that I still have not lost this hobby completely. Here's the new url and yeap, it's on Tumblr! yasminsmanyfaces.tumblr.com

For those of you Singaporeans and Malaysians who have not bought TWINS OF FAITH Tickets, please do read this entry and email me to purchase the tickets! We will organize a meet-up for me to pass you the tickets personally. Remember, it's a family festival, so bring your entire family along! Ticket prices: Adults- RM100 Children- 50 until the 14th of Dec. Tickets purchased after the date will be RM150 for adults and RM75 for children;) They recently had this in London and it was a success Alhamdulillah. Now let us make the one in Malaysia a success too! May Allah make things easy for all of us! See you there!

2011-11-24T21:01:00.001+08:00

Having procrastination as a part of who you are makes you forget what hardwork feels like.

get this

2011-11-22T17:05:00.001+08:00

I'm here to only remind you on one thing. I too, am not perfect for I too, falter.

The other's empty, wondrous eyes.

2011-11-21T17:19:00.086+08:00

Uneasiness is when you look directly into the eyes of that person who used to mean the world to you. It is when you're not yourself. That short-lived agony and discomfort however will leave you in a daze, with you thinking oh, this is not good. But thank God for silent minds. You heartbeat will begin to play an old beat which you will recognise. It used to play that some time ago. And then your fingers will start tapping to the same beat without you realising.

***

There was no exchange of words, so you thought they may not have been feeling the same way you have been since the past minute. ...of course they haven't been thinking the same! They could have been, though, right? You convince yourself. Walking away was supposed to be easy because you do it all the time. But this time there was an unexplainable force that was making your feet stay put. Your knees suddenly feels weak, and your bags -heavier, pulling you down, begging you to stay. But you've already turned your head in the opposite direction, ready to move away, when they suddenly call you by your name. WHAT. IS. GOING. ON. By this time you must have already been mentally slapping yourself. With a sudden jolt you turn around to look at them a little too quickly and then notice that the other, too has not moved one inch! As you look at your surroundings, everyone seemed fine, talking animatedly, laughing light-heartedly, moving in their normal gait. But something is wrong. Definitely. The world you're watching is muted. Where is the usual noise? Where are all the sounds!! You feel like you're trapped in some kind of bubble.. with the other. But you're not suffocating. Great. What does the world have in store for me this time!?! In the midst of all this confusion, the other who has been observing you creases their brow and took a step forward with their hands tied to the back. They always do that. This is way too familiar. Your gaze immediately falls to the ground to look at the distance between the two of you. Huh, not too close. It's going to be fine, you mutter to yourself. Out of the blue, comes a stack of paper with red-ink markings dancing right in front of your nose, making you take a step backwards. The other is waving the paper in your face, it seemed. And then, like a rubber band snapping back to its original shape after being stretched, you too, snap back to reality. The sudden realisation came simultaneously with the wide opening of your eyes. And all you can manage is an "Oh," breaking the painful silence that has been hanging in the air for too long. Inside, you're angry with yourself for being forgetful and for acting weirdly. You quickly hope that it was not too obvious. With blood pumping to your cheeks, flushing them red, you reluctantly search for their eyes and you realise they're empty. E m p t y . Your shoulders fall to a slump and you meekly say a thank you and snatch the paper away from their hands At this moment, quite contrary to the just a few seconds ago when walking away seemed impossible, you make a slow, turning-away-in-your-heel sort of thing, and you just wish you could run away. But long strides was the only possible, logical, reasonable option then, so you had no choice but to walk fast, just enough to disappear from their sight. Of course, not forgetting to silently tell them you haven't been thinking of the past you both shared, you wave the paper with your right hand as a friendly gesture not once looking back. Way to go, you remind yourself. What a way to end your day. Oh well. I am after all, young and foolish.

There is something wrong with the tenses in this post. Don't know if I'll be fixing that anytime soon.

Exploring.

2011-11-18T15:42:00.003+08:00

I've just finished writing 2000 words on how "Evil" is presented to be far more powerful than good in Hamlet by William Shakespeare and The Duchess of Malfi by John Webster. Yes, I just lifted the exact words from the actual question. We were given more than a month (if I'm not wrong) to complete this, but knowing how I work.. I'd just started to re-write the whole essay this week! It was due this morning at 11am. I woke up at 5am and made a major change in my essay, re-structuring the entire thing! I don't know, I just work best under pressure. After it was finally done, I was happy with how it read. You could say I was satisfied, alhamdulillah :) Lately I've been crossing off so many things on my To-Do List! It really does feel nice to finally finish things off from where you left them.

appearance and impressions.

2011-11-13T16:27:00.002+08:00

I'll make it brief. I'll give you lines.

Walking with my head up
I tried not to slouch
Still, one thing I cannot change-
is the speed at which my feet take me.
My mind tells me to ignore;
these old men with crooked teeth,
who huff smoke carelessly to your face
their common talk ever so loud.
Forced I was, to walk past them
keeping my face expressionless
I pull my bag closer to my side
as I held my breath for those few seconds.
I heard them speak among themselves
They don't know anything
not my life, not even my name
yet they talk loudly as if I weren't present!

inspiration

2011-11-05T00:56:00.002+08:00

Credits: Google.com, olsensanonymous.blogspot.com, 5inchandup.blogspot.com , www.stylebubble.co.uk, tumblr.com, stylecovered.com, misshijabi.com.

TWINS OF FAITH MALAYSIA: Mark your calendars!

2011-11-01T18:21:00.002+08:00

Confirmed Speakers:

Entertainers:

Mercy Mission Malaysia (MMM) has confirmed that it will stage the first-ever Twins of Faith Family Festival in Malaysia on the 24-25th December 2011 at the Putrajaya International Convention Centre (PICC). It is the first International family festival of its kind that includes talks, entertainment, performances by local and international artists catering for the Muslim and Non Muslim communities. The festival will feature prominent world renouned Islamic scholars from Canada, Australia, Egypt, United Kingdom as well as Malaysia. The Family Festival will offer a dedicated room to the mothers who need to take care of young children whilst still being able to listen to the lectures, obtain nutrition and health advise. The children’s activities will be mainly in the Kids Play Zone area complete with the fun based learning Islamic games, storytelling sessions and movies screenings. “This is a great opportunity for Muslims and Non Muslims alike to meet and enjoy a community

event that will benefit everyone who attends” said MMM’s General Manager Sajid Hussain. Mr Hussain continues by saying, “Malaysia has always been at the forefront of Islamic development and we are inviting some of the world’s best English‐speaking scholars along with a host of lcoal born speakers who have a wealth of knowledge and experience in various Islamic disciplines to help benefit the local community”.

Malaysia aims to be the new Headquarters for Mercy Mission Worldwide, which was started by Australian Dr Tawfique Chowdhury in Sydney, Australia in 2007. Offices have since been

established in the United Kingdom, Australia, South Africa, India, Bangladesh and Canada. Dr Tawfique Chowdhury says it aims to “achieve a world where every Muslim can live faithfully to their belief, building an exemplary Islamic community that benefits humanity”. Mercy Mission believes that it is a duty on the Muslims to be the best of examples to the wider community by displaying the beauty of Islam. The Malaysian office was officially opened on 1 July 2011 and since it has also undertaken and collaborated on various local community projects such as Pure Matrimony, Little Explorers Magazine, Youth Development Programme, Baby Hatch and a Leadership Summit.

For more information on the Twins of Faith conference and Mercy Mission Malaysia, please

contact my@twinsoffaith.com and/or visit our website at www.twinsoffaith.com.

Conference Theme: Best of Nations – Building an Exemplary Community

Building an exemplary community is paramount to our success in Malaysia. The best of the best; the generation living in the time of the Prophet (S) were efficient, effective and exemplary in every manner. In order to follow in their footsteps and those of the pious predecessors we must work towards a stable, positive, and harmonious community by taking a holistic approach to this issue. We need to look at education, conflict resolution, and identity, as well as issues around health, youth, social inclusion and infrastructure.

Allah (swt) said: ”You are the best of the nations, raised up for (the benefit of) men…” (Al-Imran, V110).

Ultimately, our goal is to live up to this status that Allah (swt) has given us and become the Best of Nations.

Watch the trailers here: Trailer1 and Trailer2 and Trailer3.

To view the Programme Schedule: http://my.twinsoffaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Prg-Schedule-24-09-11.pdf

Please contact me at yasmin11_zaini@hotmail.com for the tickets or you can visit twinsoffaith.com.

See you there inshaAllah! :)

la réalité

2011-10-24T15:48:00.001+08:00

Nerve-wrecking something

2011-10-19T04:01:00.000+08:00

It wasn't cool when I sat in the exam hall with sweaty palms, shaking quite severely and had absolutely no clue as to what I was supposed to write. It wasn't cool when people around me were busy writing away, their pens- guided by the command of their brains and I just sat there, trying to squeeze out whatever information I had there left in mine. #theresprollysomethingwrongwithme

Blah blah blah rant whine blah blah blah rant cry sob whine blah

2011-10-18T17:40:00.010+08:00

Hear ye hear ye! Imma sit back and let the little girl/child in me do all the talking for this post =|

I know that I didn't do too well for Law this morning. Too early to say that, you think? But no, no honey, guess what- I've read, and re-read my essays and I know they're bad. *sobs. Language-wise, it wasn't that badly written. (Ew did I just say that?!) It's more about discussing the Law that I lacked. But thank the Lord, that this is the only paper which will not be counted as our Trials! This means that I have another chance to prove that this paper was not my best. It was definitely not! I know I don't always cite my cases but I never leave them out entirely! This time I'm a major disappointment to myself. Uh what's that they always say: you are your worst enemy? Err yeah I guess I am my worst enemy. *sobs more*. Maybe it was because I liked how I did in my last exam- so when it came to this one... dayyum was it- was it... complacency?! *insert #FACEPALM here. :O* Wait, WHAT. I wasn't quite satisfied with it actually. I mean, I admit I was a little happy over the fact that I did way better than I had for the previous tests. But the reason why I think I didn't do well for this one was NOT because I felt I was already good. Heck to the NO.

Yes, as you can probably see, I'm so bad at giving myself motivation. Sighh so hmm ok let's get some positivity going on shall we?

I won't let this stop me from working hard for tomorrow's Economics paper. InshaAllah. So even if my lecturer wants to see my mum (yeah my college does that. Did I tell you we're in Asia? Ok. -_-' ) , I'll make sure Law's the only paper mum and I will have to see the teacher for. But for now someone needs to slap me in the face and tell me that it's not like high-school anymore. I can't just study an entire Contract Law book in 2 just days and expect to remember everything and score an A. Life isn't that easy. It isn't for me, anyway.

check my page out!

2011-10-16T15:05:00.000+08:00

http://yasminzaini.polyvore.com/

:D

Bridging Understanding, Clearing Misconceptions -sort of..

2011-10-12T20:03:00.005+08:00

We had an Interfaith Dialogue yesterday at our college. Yes, an Interfaith Dialogue in a Christian College! The topic was "Life After Death". The speakers were from the students, obviously, and they represented 5 faiths: Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism and Sikhism. Safaa' represented us Muslims. I must say, alhamdulillah, she did pretty good! Her 6-minute speech was clear and smooth. She had engagement going on with the crowd. I thought hers was the most informative and comprehensive. I'm not being biased! Ok maybe I am. =| But a friend told me she tried to keep an open mind and pretended she was a free-thinker of some sort, listening to all the speakers and she came to a conclusion that Safaa did a good job in explaining things clearly. But the problem here was that she was Muslim.. so maybe she'd been a bit biased. haha I don't know if its ever possible to conduct a fair test like that. But anyway, the whole thing went really nice. After the speakers got their share of speaking, it was opened to the floor for some Q&As. We all participated. At first the questions seem to be directed to Safaa and Alex (Christian representative) and it went on like that for about 4 questions from different people. And then finally people starting throwing questions to the Sikh and Buddhist representatives. The representative for Hinduism couldn't make it so she sent Mr.Yushua her speech manuscript. So Mr. Yushua got Mr.Tee to read it out to the whole Auditorium. It was pretty long. Nonetheless, it was an interesting one. Did you know that in Hinduism, they believe in different types of Hellfire for different types of misdeeds/sins? Each 'Hell' hold different types tortures. Like for example, for those who ate forbidden food would be put in a different Hell chamber than those who were disobedient to their parents for example.

Thank God everyone kept their cool and remained in their seats through out the whole session. hehe. TBH I actually felt an air of mutual respect and understanding radiating from the crowd. Or at least I felt their effort in showing some tolerance and no one displayed aggressiveness verbally or physically. When the speakers were dismissed, we all of us gave Safaa a big hug after that.♥ When it was done there were refreshments and the girl at the table told us everything was HALAL lol. Some people came up to us for some religious-chat. And we came up to other people as well to ask questions. It was great. Met loads of nice, open-minded people. There was also a survey slip that we had to fill in. The questions were basically about why we believe in life after death and what does our religion say about death. All in all I enjoyed it. There was so much to learn! I look forward to more events such this! This is especially important in institutions where you have many different people of different faiths studying under the same roof. :)

From the left: Jenny (Buddhism), Safaa' (Islam), Alex (Christianity) and Dalib (Sikhism).

sorry for the blurry picture! :S

Why does it look like I only blog in times of distress?!

2011-10-11T08:31:00.004+08:00

This is when you stop and think. And then refrain from cursing.

2011-10-11T08:17:00.004+08:00

As I hurriedly rummaged through the pile of clothes which could almost pass as a miniature Mount Everest- for a pair of black socks for my sister, I gulped down what seemed like a huge pil in my throat. I paused for a moment and blinked once. A drop of tear fell to the tip of my nose. I blinked twice while looking down and took a deep breath and burried my nose into the pile once more. I wanted to curse so badly but nothing came out.

---
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I wish we had a shrinking machine that could shrink me like the one in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
-----
---
---
---

I pushed all of them outside and shut the door. I could still hear my little brother screaming for SHREK and my mum calling him sternly by his full name. With my back against the heavy door, I let out a sigh. I make my way, slowly, to the nearest chair and slumped myself on it. My right hand reached out for a plate in front of me that's a quarter full of squashed yellow things. Oh, scrambled egg. I cast a glance at the clock and it showed 7:45am. I look at my plate and dug in. I scooped a spoon-full and forced it into my mouth. Then, without chewing I grabbed a piece of bread and wiped clean whatever that's left of the egg, and again, pushed it into my mouth. My full mouth. It was salty. This was a thought which registered, mind you. I wasn't complaining. At times like this, I am never the type who complains about tiny matters. They don't bother me at all. I cringe at listening to people who talk about how disgusting their breakfast was. And how it sucked to have their hands dirty when they had to pick-up rubbish as punishment in school. And how they had a cold shower in the morning because their heater was down. Or how they had to the dishes when they had tonnes of homework. Or how their internet was cut off. I c a n n o t stand it. Here i am, stricken with a million and one more serious issues which I am put to deal with single-handedly and you have all the privilege to actually whine about petty little "life-crises". While I was munching all of that, every problem I was facing crumbled down upon me, load after load. I munched, gasped for air, munched and gasped for air. I was fighting the tears that were about to stream down my temporary fat cheeks. The more I tried to fight it, the warmer my eyes got, and the more tears escaped and finally I gave in and let them fall. I suck. I suck at this. I felt so defeated and neglected. I felt like a bubble of emotions that has just popped. The things that came out of the bubble is a humongous mess. I didn't think I was responsible for cleaning it up but no one was there except... me. I have so many things in my head that it hurts to think about which to put first. I have homework and assignments to be done, like everybody else in college. But that's just the tip of the ice-berg. I have more on my shoulders than what everybody else thinks.

Here was when I pushed everything aside. Physically and mentally. I stood up and put away the plate. I paused for a moment. Yes, I like to take "pauses" or breaks. I have loads of them in the episodes of my life. They look pointless, but to me they've been helping me organize my usually-cluttered mental notes. (I speak of mental notes all the time I should probably dedicate a whole post just talking about it.) Many of us do it, but we don't realize it. I am here to tell you that you should pause, consciously, and then move on. Thinking during the pause in un-avoidable, so you need not worry about that.

What does the day have in store for me, I have no clue. But what's certain is that now I'm going to try and attempt my 30-mark Economics questions and get ready for school.

Remember,
1. Pause.
2. Breathe.
3. Fake a brave face.

Warning: This is not to break-free. This is one step closer to solving them. Get things organized mentally. Prepare mentally.

And we know it's never simple never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me.

T. Swift- Breathe

Goodbye for now.

Some Insight On Islam by Others.

2011-10-04T18:02:00.003+08:00

Just to share a few..

It [Islam] replaced monkishness by manliness. It gives hope to the slave, brotherhood to mankind, and recognition of the fundamental facts of human nature.
- Canon Taylor
Paper read before the Church Congress at Walverhamton, Oct. 7, 1887.
Quoted by Arnold in The Preaching of Islam pp. 71-72.

History makes it clear however, that the legend of fanatical Muslims sweeping through the world and forcing Islam at the point of the sword upon conquered races is one of the most fantastically absurd myths that historians have ever repeated.

- De Lacy O'Leary
Islam at the Crossroads, London, 1923 p. 8.

How, for instance, can any other appeal stand against that of the Moslem who, in approaching the pagan, says to him, however obscure or degraded he may be 'Embrace the faith, and you are at once equal and a brother.' Islam knows no color line.
- S. S. Leeder
Veiled Mysteries of Egypt

The doctrine of brotherhood of Islam extends to all human beings, no matter what color, race or creed. Islam is the only religion which has been able to realize this doctrine in practice. Muslims wherever on the world they are will recognize each other as brothers.
- R. L. Mellema
Holand, Anthropologist, Writer and Scholar

I am not a Muslim in the usual sense, though I hope I am a “Muslim” as “one surrendered to God.” But I believe that embedded in the Quran and other expressions of the Islamic vision are vast stores of divine truth from which I and other occidentals have still much to learn, and Islam is certainly a strong contender for the supplying of the basic framework of the one religion of the future.
- W. Montgomery Watt
Islam and Christianity Today; London 1983, p. IX.

‘I believe in One God and Mohammed the Apostle of God,' is the simple and invariable profession of Islam. The intellectual image of the Deity has never been degraded by any visible idol; the honours of the prophet have never transgressed the measure of human virtue, and his living precepts have restrained the gratitude of his disciples within the bounds of reason and religion.
- Edward Gibbon and Simon Ocklay
History Of The Saracen Empire, London, 1870, p. 54

Islam is a religion that is essentially rationalistic in the widest sense of this term considered etymologically and historically. The definition of rationalism as a system that bases religious beliefs on principles furnished by the reason applies to it exactly... It cannot be denied that many doctrines and systems of theology and also many superstitions, from the worship of saints to the use of rosaries and amulets, have become grafted on the main trunk of the Muslim creed. But in spite of the rich development, in every sense of the term, of the teachings of the Prophet, the Quran has invariably kept its place as the fundamental starting point, and the dogma of unity of God has always been proclaimed therein with a grandeur, a majesty, an invariable purity and with a note of sure conviction, which it is hard to find surpassed outside the pale of Islam. This fidelity to the fundamental dogma of the religion, the elemental simplicity of the formula in which it is enunciated, the proof that it gains from the fervid conviction of the missionaries who propagate it, are so many causes to explain the success of Muhammadan [Muslim] missionary efforts. A creed so precise, so stripped of all theological complexities and consequently so accessible to the ordinary understanding might be expected to possess and does indeed possess a marvellous power of winning its way into the consciences of men.
- Edward Montet
“La Propagande Chretienne et ses Adversaries Musulmans,” Paris 1890.
Quoted by T.W. Arnold in The Preaching of Islam London, 1913, pp. 413-414.

source: http://hudabaharoon-islam.blogspot.com

What's relate-able at the moment.

2011-10-03T01:18:00.003+08:00

I watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993) with my mum just now on TV and...

Here's the plot summary from Wiki:

In a small town of Endora, Gilbert Grape (Johnny Depp) is busy caring for his mentally challenged brother Arnie (Leonardo DiCaprio) as they wait for the many tourists' trailers to pass through town during their yearly camp ritual at a nearby recreational area. His mother, Bonnie (Darlene Cates) is morbidly obese after years of depression following her husband's suicide. With Bonnie unable to care for them by herself, Gilbert has taken responsibility for repairing their shanty of farmhouse and looking after Arnie, who has a habit of climbing up the town water tower (like Spider-Man) if he is left unsupervised for too long, while his older sister Amy (Laura Harrington) and younger sister Ellen (Mary Kate Schellhardt) slave away in the kitchen. The relationship between the brothers is one of care and protection. In order to cope with his frenetic life, Gilbert has taken on a secret love affair with a housewife, Betty (Mary Steenburgen), whilst her insensitive, unsuspecting husband Ken (Kevin Tighe), is fully intent on selling Gilbert insurance for his family. A new chain supermarket has opened, threatening the small Lamson's Grocery store where Gilbert works, as well as threatening all the other small-time businesses in Endora. The chain supermarket stocks all kinds of goods, rendering many of the local shops redundant. This is a key theme in the film - which constantly portrays the futility of goods made with love in light of ever sweeping corporate greed.

While the family prepares for Arnie's upcoming 18th birthday party, a young woman named Becky (Juliette Lewis) and her grandmother are stuck in town when their truck towing their trailer breaks down. Gilbert's unusual life circumstances threaten to get in the way of their budding romance. In order to spend time with Becky watching the sun set, Gilbert leaves Arnie alone in the bathtub by himself, believing he is now old enough to get out on his own. He returns home late and wakes up the following morning to find Arnie still in the bath, shivering in the now-cold water. Gilbert's guilt is compounded by his family's anger. As a result Arnie refuses to get near water, including the pond by Becky's trailer, and his fear causes him to become extremely dirty, adding to the many problems Gilbert faces. Betty's affair with Gilbert ends when she begins to make demands on him and tries to have sex with him while he's on the phone with her husband, Ken. Ken drowns after suffering a cardiac arrest and landing face down in his sons' wading pool. Many of the townspeople believe she killed him, despite the insistence of Gilbert's friend, Bobby McBurney (Crispin Glover), one of the town coroners, that believes it was a cardiac arrest. Besides Bobby, Gilbert is the only one who believed Betty didn't kill her husband, and she eventually leaves town in search of a new life.

Becky bonds with Gilbert and Arnie and helps Gilbert reflect on his feelings. They become deeply involved in conversation until Gilbert realizes that Arnie is missing. He has returned to the water tower he is forever trying to climb and this time has succeeded at getting to the top. Arnie is arrested, compelling Bonnie, who has not left the house in seven years, to rush to the police station to demand his release, causing her appearance to be ridiculed by the townspeople.

Later at home, Arnie prematurely eats some of his birthday cake, which Gilbert told him not to touch. Gilbert orders Arnie to take a bath as punishment, and Arnie resists when Gilbert tries to force him. Losing his temper, Gilbert strikes Arnie-hard. Appalled at himself and angry at his life in general, Gilbert drives away, leaving Endora. Arnie leaves the house to find Becky, who takes care of him. Gilbert returns to town and sees Arnie with Becky, who is able to get him to enter the lake, and thus Arnie overcomes his fear of water. After Amy and Ellen come to Becky's and take Arnie home, Gilbert approaches Becky and the two talk about his own frustration and the reality of his father's death. The next day he returns home during Arnie's birthday party to apologize.

Following Arnie's eighteenth birthday and meeting Becky for the first time, Bonnie climbs the stairs to her bedroom for the first time in years. That evening she passes away in her bed. Arnie tries to wake her, thinking that she is just playing. He runs out of the house and begins to hurt himself. As his sisters try to stop him, they realize that Bonnie has died. Jerry, the local sheriff, and his deputies tell the Grape family that they would need more men to get Bonnie out of the house (an officer on the radio inappropriately says they'd need the National Guard). After the police leave, Gilbert and his sisters soon cry over losing her. The siblings realize that her removal would draw a gawking crowd and want to protect their mother from being a spectacle. They empty the house except for their mother's body, then Gilbert sets the house on fire.

One year later, Gilbert and Arnie are looking out again to watch the trailers pass. Through voice over, Gilbert tells of Amy getting a job offer to manage a bakery in Des Moines, and Ellen being thrilled to switch schools. Arnie chases the vehicles, arms flailing, excited to see Becky again. Along with Becky and her grandma, Gilbert and Arnie hit the road.

While we were watching it I kept on saying to my mum "He looks a lot like Johnny Depp!". and then when I checked the cast list, TA-DAAAA! :D Oh, and Arnie's played by Leonardo DiCaprio! 2 of my favourites together :D

Johnny as Gilbert Grape.

Johhny and Becky.

DiCaprio as Arnie! His acting was amazingly, amazingly, wonderfully REAL!

Gilbert and his obese mother. :'( When she died they had to burn the house down along with her in it because everyone in town thought the idea of having a crane to pull out their dead mother's body was the biggest joke ever. So in order to save their poor dead mother from humiliation, they burned the house down. It was so so sad to watch :(

A snippet of a conversation between Arnie (the Autistic child)'s older brother and Becky.
Becky: Tell me what you want, as fast as it comes to you.

Gilbert: Uhh...
Becky: Okay?
Gilbert: 'Kay.
Becky: Okay. What do you want?
[ He's thinking about it]
Becky: Faster!
Gilbert: Okay. I want a new thing. House. I want a new house. And a family.
[ He sighs heavily]
Gilbert: I want Momma to take aerobics classes. I want Ellen to grow up. I want a new brain for Arnie. I want...
Becky: What do you want for you? Just for you?
Gilbert: I want to be a good person.

Is this a "sneak preview" of what is to come when my youngest brother grows up later? Ah come what may, we won't give up on him. O Allah please make things easy for us.

P/S: Sorry for the lack of comments on the movie itself! I have school tomorrow lol. But I highly recommend watching this!

-pictures taken from IMDB.

Even after revealing so much, there's still a lot you don't know about me.

2011-10-01T11:22:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to reveal so much. No, scratch that. -Sometimes I wish I didn't reveal so much in the first place.

I wish I were an anonymous writer. Many times I've started blogs (yes, blogs, as in plural of blog) in which I typed under different names. But things didn't work out as I wanted. Writing on a regular basis there was hard for me. I couldn't seem to keep blogging under anonymity. My first few entries were pretty elaborate though some were just brief, I knew that was how I wanted it. Raw and honest and straight forward. When I re-read them, I could almost sense the lingering in my thoughts, the pauses, the abrupt disappearance of an idea or thought, all of that. But most importantly, there was honesty. Unlike updating here on this domain, over there in those blogs,- there was no way of telling whether I was confined or limited to certain topics. I was much freer there in a sense that I was present in the lines of words I typed, as compared to this one,. I was happy until I realised I was documenting my deepest thoughts, that soon it became like a real journal. A online one. I actually kind of promised myself I wouldn't spill any secrets to anything (not even paper) unless they're made un-obvious. So, for fear of being discovered, I decided that it was best to keep things to my own mind. And then I continued writing here although I'm not always myself, as there are countless instances where it's obvious that I'm writing under restrictions, I try to be as truthful wherever possible.

But at times like this, oh how I wish I were there, where no one knew who I was! Looking at anonymous bloggers right now, seeing how they are free to write and express whatever they want without causing hurt to any particular party makes me want to be in their place. But I can't start over. It's too late. And plus starting a new one entails a lot of effort and work. I'd also have to make sure I really want to be under the mask, as they say. Wait, I don't quite agree it's a mask. It's just a veil, that is something that conceals or covers and at the same time reveals whatever that's never been seen before, as opposed to a mask- which gives an entirely new face and personality.

Oh how am I supposed to soar when you set the sky so low?

Things have changed, and so have we

2011-09-28T01:09:00.001+08:00

With maturity, reality dawns.
-Sh Bilal Ismail

Remember once I posted a long list of essential qualities of a potential spouse? Well the list has kind of changed over the years. I guess I have come to realize that hoping for a perfect hubby or as I call it halal guy best friend, is pretty ridiculous because you'd have to be perfect yourself. My list was too idealistic. Now I think that instead of me falling for perfection, I'd rather prefer to admire or love someone for their imperfections or have someone admire or love me for my imperfections.But of course by "imperfections" I just meant the lack of perfection -as in the robotic/boring type of perfection, and not imperfections as in grave mistakes and sins.Why would I like someone for their sins anyway?!

And yes, the list has completely changed. I have the revised version right here.. in my head. I don't feel the need to publish the entire list here. Even if I might disclose some here, it will be impliedly and not expressly. It may also not be intentional.

A Mariah-related post and more.

2011-09-27T01:22:00.002+08:00

lol can you see me running?

Aww sisters reunited! That's Mariah in white. I'm the one strangling the 'kid'- Hanim.

This is what you call... a Mariah. lol yes, a Mariah.

Glam outfit snap ala OOTD picture of Mariah. hehehe

We always tease her for her lack of eyebrows. lol.

The blogger with Mario!

That's Hanim with Mariah.

Mariah and I.

Mommy and Mario.

I am now one sister less. Ah but life goes on. Goodbye, Mariah. Dr. M you must come back and see the baby :') You will surely be missed! One day we will travel together around the world. We'd bring the others with us too. We'd stop by Korea to meet them K-stars, we'd eat Ice-cream and pasta in Italy, we'd take a stroll in Turkey, we'd shop in London, we'd do 'Umrah in Makkah, we'd go to Spain, and Iran, and South Africa, and Egypt and all those faraway places. We would go there as adults, and hopefully by then we would all have graduated with degrees (or more!) inshaAllah.

I am glad that all 7 of us have different interests. We all desire to be in different areas. None of us are the same in character. We all talk differently, work differently, have different aims etc. We will all grow up and make our parents proud, if Allah Wills. Abi and Ummi will attend all our graduations inshaAllah. ..and in order to achieve the various kinds of goals we've set, sacrifices would have to be made.

I know of some parents who cannot seem to let go of their children. I can understand why to a certain extent. But nevertheless, I'm very thankful that mine encourage all of us to be all scattered around the world. They wish for us to be widely spread all around the globe, pushing boundaries, and doing the impossible. They taught us that nothing is really unattainable. They are an ambitious pair. They might seem like average parents. Oh but they are not. They are astonishingly, amazingly un-average. They are my parents. They are my first educators. They are not rich. Not rich at all. But they are rich in wisdom and vision. They are my best friends.

Whenever I feel like quitting, or whenever I feel put off by the amount of seemingly endless work, I remind myself of the sacrifices the two have made for all of us. Yes, the lump in my throat is still hard to swallow after all these years. But that's what keeps me going till now. And I'm sure, the rest - those after me, will find that this very same reminder will serve as a motivation for them as well- sooner or later.

O city of Moscow, be kind ye to my sister!

I am one sister less. But she won't be gone forever, no. Hopefully no.

My Lord show me right from wrong

Give me light make me strong

I know the road is long

Make me strong

Sometimes it just gets too much

I feel that I’ve lost touch

I know the road is long

Make me strong

My thoughts are not always this bad.

2011-09-23T13:37:00.009+08:00

I dashed out of Burger King with a bag of hot french fries and a bottle of water. I begin to walk down the staircase. The second person infront of me was a woman in her twenties. I remembered that she was wearing a bright purple top.

Late. Oh gosh I'm late again!! Why is this lady taking ages to walk down these steps.!! Argh come on, woman! ...This place stinks so bad. Ugh eww why is she touching the railings? No, she's feeling them, like one by one. Is she counting..?! She walks funny. Aiyooo I'm so darn late D;

I began to count the steps, impatiently.

..5,6,7...12,13...17..

Rolling my eyes, I was making it obvious that I was annoyed.

30. We made it! FINALLY. GOSH. 'bout time! *rolls eyes again*

I was about to walk at a faster pace, over-taking the people in front of me. I then noticed that the woman in purple was still slowing down other people. She was still at the foot of the steps. I was going to squeeze through the crowd and over-take her when suddenly *tap!*

Something like a long stick hit the floor tiles. I looked on, and as my eyes registered what I was looking at, my throat instantly felt swollen. That lady in purple whom I was mentally backbiting had pulled out a walking stick. She was now pointing it to the pavement and moving it right and left as she starts to walk. And then it hit me. I meant a thought hit me, not the stick. She's blind! Oh my Allah what have I done?

I immediately walked ahead so that I was next to her. Grabbed her by the elbow and helped her cross the busy road.

Oh gosh I've never ever felt so bad. I should have suspected she was visually-impaired/blind! There's a centre for the blind right infront of my College, I should have known! I see them everyday. I help them cross streets everyday. But today? Why was I being mean out of a sudden?

My walk to the College that day was full of thoughts and reflections. (EXAGGERATION.)
I was honestly, never that mean. My thoughts are almost never that evil. So why was I not being myself that morning? I know that to an onlooker I looked kind enough a stranger who was helping a blind woman. But they do not know what my mind was thinking before I knew that she was blind. Does that actually matter? I didn't know she was blind until I saw her! It would have irked anyone to have to walk slowly just because someone else has all the time on their hands. I-..I didn't know.... ):

The above is a bit about what I was really thinking at that time. It may be that I was bothered by the fact that the victim of my "evil thoughts", out of all people.. was a blind woman.

Are these even evil thoughts?! Is it okay to say such things in our head? I really don't know. Everyone knows that our thoughts have to be good. But what's the rule on expressing our feelings towards things that annoy us? No sin right? It's only counted as sins only when it is acted upon, right? Phew. So I was clearly over-thinking it. (I might be wrong here. Feel free to correct me.)

So the blind or disabled do not have to concern themselves with being particularly considerate to other people, right? I believe that's our job. Our duty is to be considerate to people like them.

p/s: Call this a coincidence, but my English Literature lecturer called me "Evil" by accident that day. Hahahaha. She was discussing the topics we've chosen for our Explorative Study Coursework, and I've chosen "Evil". So she said "So, you're evil *pointing at me* and you're...-" LOL

random picture I took a few months ago.

main laut aaungi

2011-09-15T03:25:00.003+08:00

Haven't been posting for a while now. I'm going on a short hiatus. Can't wait to get back to blogging, seriously.

p/s: Is there anyone here who speaks Urdu? Is the title "main laut aaunga" correct?? lol i haven't a clue :/

quick, short post

2011-09-07T20:56:00.002+08:00

Exams tomorrow. For those of you who care, thank you for your prayers :') May Allah bestow the same to you inshAllah. Or you may even be granted more than what you prayed for me! Thank you all. I don't want to disappoint anyone anymore. That phase is over. Oh Allah if You grant me success tomorrow and the day after, I promise to _________. So pleaseeeee Master of the Worlds. Grant me a miracle. Make it easy for me. Remove any difficulty I might face and help me understand the questions and help me answer them correctly. Ameen.

Why my promise is a secret. I can't reveal it here :P But thank you anyways. Much love.

2011-09-01T13:55:00.005+08:00

Ever thought of running away?

What's holding you back?

cuteness overload

2011-08-27T10:56:00.000+08:00

we could have had it all

rolling in the deep

2 days in bullets

2011-08-26T18:04:00.005+08:00

-did community service with Lauren and was inspired by the guy in charge. Because he's young and responsible (from the looks of it) to be managing *special adults. :']

-went home alone, but on the way I met this French Indian guy from college who's Muslim as well. So we took the train together and all that. Pretty awkward I must say. "Talk! Say something!" Quote of the day :/ Told'ya I'm socially awkward. Im only loud here.

-went to Masjid Jamek to distribute dates and Ramadan leaflets. Had a half and hour heated conversation with an Indian atheist about the whole concept of God. Pretty much wasted my time, that young man. I could tell he's studying philosophy. His questions were long-winded and I am sure I answered his questions clearly. Well, sort of. He made things confusing. Why live life if you're making it hard? He's not convinced that he's convinced me. Neither am I convinced that I've convinced him. Sure I gave him a lot to think about. With me were Tee, Nadiah and Hannah. But he was mostly talking to me. The rest just left and joined the convo as they wished. I was getting all angry but managed to keep my cool. Actually I got to a point where I was a bit sarcastic and he laughed and said "you're funny. But we're talking logic here" SHUT UP. Ah in the end hidayah/guidance comes from Allah not people. Oh Allah guide this man. Ameen.

-Finally met the British Muslim lad Hannah and sisters were talking about! They've all been hanging out for quite sometime. No actually about 2 weeks I think. He's pretty cool. And from London!

-went home happy, alhamdulillah.

-But today.. Today is the last Friday of Ramadan! :'( Its end is drawing near.. Hope to see/experience Ramadan again next year inshAllah.

-Not really excited for Eid. Dunno why. Most probably because I'll be having my Qualifying Exams RIGHT AFTER our 1-week Eid Holiday. Arghhhhh T,T

-Putting up pictures of Yuna (first 2) and Dina Toki-o just because I've been inspired by Aztec patterns lately! :) photo source: yunatakesphotos.tumblr.com, lazydoll.com

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND AHEAD! and a nice iftar of course xo

*special : mentally ill

"May the One above have mercy"

2011-08-19T00:17:00.006+08:00

I logged into my Youtube account just now to check for messages. Someone sent me a personal message and he/she was suddenly bashing me with things like "you don't know anything about Islam!!" and "Go read the Koran!!" and "Learn your religion I know you're muslim". LOL WHAT.

I was dumbstruck for a moment. I was like whooaaaa wait wait. what did I do?!

I don't even remember posting any foolish/stupid/ignorant comment on anyone's video/s lately! Especially about Islam. But oh well apparently this was ages ago. And this person has only replied now. So apparently the comment I made was a quote from our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him):

"All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action".

It actually took me a while to remember. Now that I remember.. I still think it was centuries ago! Anywhoo, I was kinda happy I didn't say anything stupid. But wow, I actually said that? Cool. I clearly was in a good mood at that time. Ah good old times. BUT ANYWAY,

I quoted something nice and harmless and he had mean things to say to me in reply! >:[ I thought that was disgusting and immature. SERIOUSLY. So I replied, "may Allah have mercy on you". I mean, that's like the best thing anyone could say to another person, no? I'd totally appreciate it if someone prayed for me like that. haha. And I wasn't being sarcastic at all. I pity this guy cos he needs to chill and learn how to pick up virtual fights with the right people. Oh Lord. *sigh

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just to remind myself that the Prophet said that in his last sermon which also included these points:
(from Wikiquotes)

The Last Sermon of Muhammad delivered on the Ninth Day of Dhul Hijjah 10 A.H (c. 630 AD)

O People, lend me an attentive ear, for I don't know whether, after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to what I am saying to you carefully and take these words to those who could not be present here today.

O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have right over you.
If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers.
All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action.
You know that every Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. Remember, one day you will appear before Allah and answer for your deeds. So beware, do not astray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.
All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly.

Even as the fingers of the two hands are equal, so are human beings equal to one another. No one has any right, nor any preference to claim over another. You are brothers.

I gotta start studying!

2011-08-15T19:58:00.005+08:00

A
– Available: Nope! hahaha
– Age: Just turned 17
– Animals: We used to have like a dozen rabbits. And we also had fish. Haven't had any pets for years now..

B
– Beer: -
– Best friends: SPYCE, RCM, STAY, STAYMS and a few outside our circle i guess. (i miss you guys!)
– Body Part on opposite sex: jaw!
– Best feeling in the world: After sneezing.
– Best weather: chilly weather in the day. RARE!
– Been in Love: I thought I was, back then. So nope I haven't.
– Been on stage: Yeap. For 'Covergirl'.
– Believe in Magic: I do wish.
– Believe in Santa: No.
– Brand: I actually go for quality. If they happen to be good/durable then yeah why not

C
– Candy: good ol' Fox sweets.
– Color: pink/yellow/green/red
– Chocolate/Vanilla: Depends.
- Chinese/Indian/Italian: Chinese ah glorious dim sum :9
- Cake or pie: We hardly have pies around here. Cake.
– Cheese: Cheese for life, yes.

D
– Day or Night: Both.
– Dancing in the rain: I skip, rather.

E
– Eyes: Black.
– Ever failed a class?: Econs. hah.
– Enemies: Can't think of anybody, but I hope I don't.
– Exercise: Something I enjoy. Especially running.

F
– First thoughts waking up: They vary; How did I get here/ Have I done Homework/ What time is it/ on other occasions I try so hard to recall my dreams. Most of the time to no avail.
– Food: Sushi please.

G
– Greatest Fear: Death.
– Get along with your parents: Neither. But we agree to disagree sometimes or the other just shuts up, so I think we're cool like that?

H
– Hair Color: I wanna have green highlights.
– Happy: Not right now.
– Holiday: Nowhere.

I
– Ice Cream: Corn. Yeah I'm strange.

J
– Jewelry: rings & long necklaces.
– Job: Lasted 9 days at the school bookshop.

K
– Kids: 8 healthy ones inshAllah.
– Kickboxing or karate: Shito-ryu Karate FTW!
– Keep a journal?: I used to write journals. Now I'm just a blogger.

L
– Love: I have no thoughts on that.
– Laughed so hard you cried: Yearpp.

M
- Milk flavor: I like it natural, thank you. Sakeena has to have it in Chocolate hehehe.
– Movies: Hindi. (lol not all the time). All time favourite would be Becoming Jane.
– Motion sickness: yes :( My family likes to make fun of that since I've never really puked for real. my goal is to puke in the car one day. ONE DAY!!! Argh Allah knows how much I feel like barfing when the car starts to move. Esp when on an empty stomach :S ..and they don't believe me): Told you it sucks to be me.

N
– Number: 6

O
– One wish: to have deep knowledge about everything.

P
– Perfect Pizza: ol' Dominos.
– Pepsi/Coke: Coke!!!!
– Perfume/Cologne: Perfume.

Q
– Quail: People here eat them. I like their eggs. Yum.

R
– Reason to cry: Family issues.
– Reality T.V: ANTM ♥
– Radio Station: Flyfm. I hardly tune in these days.

S
– Song: kal ho na ho (hahaha don't ask!)
– Shoe size: 6.5/7.0
– Salad Dressing: all kinds are nice.
– Skinny dip: Is this where we've to strip? no thanks.
– Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries!
– Sport: netball :')
- Sex: I'm not married yet.

T
– Tattoos?: Want one if we were allowed to!
– Thunderstorms: umm no.

U
– Unpredictable: Not me. Everything's written on my forehead :/

V
– Vacation spot(s): Trip to NYC!

W
– Weakness: Loads. What good will it bring me if I told you?
– Who makes you laugh the most: No one's really the joker around here.
– Worst Weather?: It's summer all year, hon. How worse can it get?

X
– X-Rays: My finger.

Y
-Year it is now: 2011
-Yellow: I always tell Tee I'm yellow. She and Nadiah yell back at me: "...and we're not WHITE either!!" I disagree. They ARE white.

Z
–Zoo animal: Monkeys love me. But I prefer the seals and penguins ♥ so cuuute! :3

tag source: Yaz. She didn't actually tag me. I tagged myself :P

p/s: been learning Hindi!!!

I will never forget this.

2011-08-14T11:40:00.005+08:00

"sebab memang semua kakak buat semua salah".

This is going to scar me for the rest of my life. Thank you.

"Fasting is a protection for you, so when you are fasting, do not behave obscenely or foolishly, and if any one argues with you or abuses you, say, 'I am fasting. I am fasting.' "

Kind is He.

2011-08-12T00:54:00.001+08:00

Salam guys! So I was reading the Quran just now when we were driving back from Taraweeh at UIA and I stumbled across some beautiful verses which I'd like to share here :) Please take time to read these ayahs. Let me tell you, all I could think of after multiple times reading them is:.. Kind, kind is God. Kind are His words. Kind is Islam. :')

Al-Baqarah (The Heifer), 280-284

280. If the debtor is in a difficulty, grant him time Till it is easy for him to repay. But if ye remit it by way of charity, that is best for you if ye only knew.

281. And fear the Day when ye shall be brought back to Allah. Then shall every soul be paid what it earned, and none shall be dealt with unjustly.

282. O ye who believe! When ye deal with each other, in transactions involving future obligations in a fixed period of time, reduce them to writing Let a scribe write down faithfully as between the parties: let not the scribe refuse to write: as Allah Has taught him, so let him write. Let him who incurs the liability dictate, but let him fear His Lord Allah, and not diminish aught of what he owes. If they party liable is mentally deficient, or weak, or unable Himself to dictate, Let his guardian dictate faithfully, and get two witnesses, out of your own men, and if there are not two men, then a man and two women, such as ye choose, for witnesses, so that if one of them errs, the other can remind her. The witnesses should not refuse when they are called on (For evidence). Disdain not to reduce to writing (your contract) for a future period, whether it be small or big: it is juster in the sight of Allah, More suitable as evidence, and more convenient to prevent doubts among yourselves but if it be a transaction which ye carry out on the spot among yourselves, there is no blame on you if ye reduce it not to writing. But take witness whenever ye make a commercial contract; and let neither scribe nor witness suffer harm. If ye do (such harm), it would be wickedness in you. So fear Allah; For it is Good that teaches you. And Allah is well acquainted with all things.

283. If ye are on a journey, and cannot find a scribe, a pledge with possession (may serve the purpose). And if one of you deposits a thing on trust with another, let the trustee (faithfully) discharge his trust, and let him Fear his Lord conceal not evidence; for whoever conceals it, - his heart is tainted with sin. And Allah knows all that ye do.

284. To Allah belongs all that is in the heavens and on earth. Whether ye show what is in your minds or conceal it, Allah calls you to account for it. He forgives whom He pleases, and punishes whom He pleases for Allah has power over all things.

[Translation by Abdullah Yusuf Ali]

Although tough, studying A-levels Law in College is fun and interesting. I like it a lot. Sure, I think English Law is cool. But Allah's Law is cooler! So much kinder :') A million times more fair and just.

17 and finally taking life seriously.

2011-08-08T02:19:00.003+08:00

So I turned 17 last Saturday, 6th August :D Alhamdulillah for everything. I have nothing to complain about my life so far. I'm happy the way things are now, really. I'm so thankful O Allah for providing me with everything I need, for granting me my wishes. I love my friends, family and my home. I love God and I'm addicted to life. Addicted in the sense that I want to consciously live life from now on. (you'll hear this a lot and I'll keep repeating it..! ) I wanna feel responsible for every single decision I make, every step I take. I want to continuously have Allah in mind so my actions take a different course. A better one; the course which pleases Him. Anyways, how was the 1st week of fasting been for y'all? I hope it's been great inshAllah. Ramadhan Kareem to all! ♥

So now will you let me drive pleaseeee?

p/s: have you guys seen the piece of advice someone has given me in the chat box? are you wondering why i'm not replying to it? well I don't really have anything to say in response... :S (lol really..?!) i'm not offended or hurt, just so you know. Firstly, thanks "sis" for taking the time to write that :) You see, when I first put the banner up I didn't realize how much people were going to be so bothered by it! lol. fine, uh fiiiine FINE if it bothers people so much I'll change it alright? oh goodness I'm really sorry. I don't see how it's bothering people but just so you know I roll up my sleeves all the time. But I guess if some people regard it as a major 'aurah thingy then fine. But I need time to replace that. I'll do it when I'm freer alright? Don't think I'm not heeding the advice, puhlease no. I appreciate feedbacks. I'm sure you're glad that I'm keeping my cool ;D It's Ramadhan, duh =.= peace to all!

moving pictures

2011-08-05T16:28:00.002+08:00

MAS vs. SIN

2011-07-29T00:48:00.003+08:00

We took pictures while watching the Singapore-Malaysia match just now ;D Yeap yeap my little sister, Mariah is back from Kedah!!! she'll be flying to Russia in mid September inshAllah. And woohoo victory's ours!! This qualifies us for FIFA xD Sorry Malaysia, for the game full of drama. heh.Yeah I'm a tad bit embarrassed by our team buying so much time and all. But oh well, we won! I just hope we do well in the games later.. :3

EDIT: sorry not FIFA, it's WORLD CUP.

Deaf not Dumb video

2011-07-27T19:19:00.000+08:00

The Futility of Life

2011-07-21T01:29:00.000+08:00

What drives you mental?

Besides the sound of fingernails scratching chalkboard,
and the stories of African babies dying of hunger,
the thought of death never fails to make me feel all depressed, weak and scared.
It drives us mental.

this really pisses me off.

2011-07-18T19:21:00.011+08:00

It's a shame how some of us are ashamed of our faith. I don't know about you, but I am proud to be a hijabi. *is anyone with me?* I'm proud to be wearing Islam on my sleeve, alhamdulillah. It's a pity some of us try so hard to conceal our identity. Seriously, what's the matter with you? I don't completely blame the men, though. Because obviously they can't wear the hijab. And some are unable to grow beards. But where's the effort, o men? (some people I know) Why aren't you admitting, if not verbally proclaiming, your deen? Why not through action? Exhibit your "Islam" through your manners and the words you utter. OK fine if you find it hard to act Muslim at least tell people that you are. My mind cannot wrap around the fact that you are ashamed of Allah. Dude, you're sweeping crucial stuff under the rug. It saddens me to hear that some do not even want to be known as Muslims. SubhanAllah. I don't claim to be all holy/religious at all... because everyone knows I'm not the best Muslim in town. If you take it in the literal sense, I don't wear Islam on my sleeve. If you get what I mean. If you don't, see my banner. Yes, you can laugh. BUT I can boldly say that I'm definitely not afraid to say I'm Muslim. I enjoy talking about my religion at times because it gives me some sort of realization that "hey, I'm serious when I say I belong to this Ummah. This religion isn't something I'm so doubtful of, that I have to hide it, nope."...you know. I mean, you have to have a stand, faith-wise. Yep, I think the issue here is about having a stand. You're either in or you're out. There is no in-between. You can't be a weekend Muslim, and you know that.

But *sigh* clearly I'm in no place to say this. I'm just kind of giving my opinion. But somehow this post sounds ironic does it not? Ignore this if you feel I'm not making any sense. I try to consciously, live as a Muslim and not merely by name. I guess that's how I'm struggling. I remind myself, day in day out to present myself as a better human being. I fail, many a times, that's true. But I try. I try nailing it into my head, every single day.

At the end of the day, these are of course, my mere thoughts. That should have stayed in my head. But whoops I'm sorry I'm not sure how they escaped.

I try not to be judgmental about what kind of Muslims they are. But once someone is reluctant to admit their Islamic identity, or if they think it's uncool, I get really annoyed. Other people of different religions aren't afraid to share with the rest of the world their religion, so why should you?! Now that's uncool. Totally uncool.

EDIT: but yeah, if you really think of it.., a response that you're likely to get when you say you're Muslim would be something like "Big deal" LOL. So what's so hard? It's the least you can do.

2011-07-17T00:11:00.001+08:00

the game that either breaks or makes.

2011-07-15T12:27:00.001+08:00

During our pre-U meeting last Tuesday, the newly-appointed Student Council made us play a game. We each had a paper stuck behind our backs and we have to go around writing on people's backs. We're supposed to write what we think of that person, but as expected, some of us wrote the most randomest things! After the game had ended, the SC picked a few from among us and read out. They were so funny! One guy had a quadratic equation and some differentiation scribbled behind his back hahaha. Another guy got asked why he's so sexy. (LOL!)

Here's mine:

I've counted and altogether 19 people wrote on my back. On my paper, I meant. haha. I'll try to rewrite exactly what they wrote and my comment will be in brackets. They're all anons. No one really knows who wrote what. But I managed to identify a few! ;)

1) Bugis Girl ♥ :p (I'm guessing this is Pei Jiun..? :) )
2) vie ma. (not sure what this is. looks like french. but that can't be it.)
3) religious giler! (hahahaha. this made me laugh so hard. It's malay for "so religious". Giler (gila) literally translates to mad/crazy. Is that what people think of me? LOL)
4) Darling Singaporean, You're the best one yet! ♥ =)
5) Hey ya! Keep pn rocking =) (lol?)
6) shy (this is also funny. written in pencil, it looks like a ghostly scrawl. Probably because we were all hurrying)
7) friendly (in orange highlighter)
8) Nice & Friendly!
9) smart person (in weird cursive handwriting. but cute!)
10) :) ♥ your smile! (awww)
11) hello, you look like Yuna! (=____= you're not the first to tell me that. no I don't, but thanks!)
12) awesomest friend ever<3 (SAKEENA! and her ugly handwriting! :P ...Just kidding...!!!)
13) pretty (thanks :3)
14) =) (one BIG smiley there! thanks anon!)
15) Beautiful girl (with a tiny drawing of a face with a dot on each cheek aww so cute. and a tiny heart)
16) ♥ u! (you too, anon!)
17) singaporian!! (lol seriously? with an "i"? lol :) )
18) stop being so smart! (.. hmmm:/ )
19)FRIENDLY ♥ ♥

I kind of like this game. A few years back we played this game during Qiyam in School. The only difference was that we had our papers stuck to walls with our names on them. So we went from wall to wall writing our comments. I still have that one. I even framed it! haha what a freak, I know. =.= It's just that these things will do either one of the 2: break you or make you. I think in my case, alhamdulillah so far all the comments are positive (or maybe I take them positively), so it "makes" me. It gives me motivation to become a better person and not slacken in being.. me. I'm just thankful I don't get mean things said about me. One of the girls, had 1 or 2 people who wrote "bitch" on her paper. That's really sad. But I guess it's easy; don't be one if you don't want to be called one! :D

the kiasu-ness and kanchong-ness in me, proven.

2011-07-12T00:01:00.001+08:00

This morning I woke up early, determined to get to my 10 o'clock class early. It takes me about an hour to get to Brickfields, where my college is. And I get there by the LRT. But ah knowing me, I'm never punctual. Even as a Prefect back in High School, I always come to school late, and my attendance for Prefects' Role Call was poor. Bad, I know. Those days I had excuses: It's hard to get all 7 children ready for school when you only have 2 bathrooms.. etc. hahah! Unfortunately, I got so used to it now that I'm already in College, it's seems to have stuck as a habit.- to come late for everything. I've only realized now what bad impressions of Muslims I must've been giving my other classmates and lecturers here in College! Back in school it didn't matter hahahaha :P Everyone was Muslim so I couldn't care less. Lol what a hypocrite I know. But now I'm representing my religion in my non-Islamic college, ....how can I still be doing this!! Honestly, bad habits die hard!

Back to my story, ..so I got ready at 8 and went down to the station at 9, which is early for me, but good because I want to start reaching school on time. (Alhamdulillah. Hurray to the town council's brilliant idea for building an LRT station just next to my condo and one right infront my College entrance. So so convenient for me xDD Too easy in fact, I shouldn't be coming late T_T) And then suddenly, as I was running down the descending escalator (like I always do. And I love doing that), I remembered that I have an English class later in the day, and I was kind of sure that I'd forgotten to bring my textbook. I don't know what made me think I had forgotten to put the textbook in my bag, to be honest. As soon as I got off the escalator, I made a sharp turn (almost parkour-like haha. I'm just exaggerating, really..) and got on the ascending escalator. I ran up and out of the station. I also had trouble with my rapidpass card because I'm supposed to get off at another station, not the same one from which I came from. After explaining the situation to the lady officer, she let me pass through and I ran quickly home. Stepping into the house with my shoes on, I dashed to my room to look for the book. I couldn't find it anywhere so I decided to have a peek into my own bag. And Lo and Behold! There it was, my new purple English Textbook!! OH.MY.GOODNESS!!!! And all I could do at that time was smack my forehead, going: "holy bucket I did not just waste 15 minutes on this! Arghhhhhhh" D;

I rushed back to the station, repeating the same thing again was horrible. I was already so sweaty it was disgusting. By the time the train came it was already 9:32am. =___= So much for being early. And wow I just wasted time looking for something that was already WITH me. =/ And as I was running to the station, a taxi driver whom I passed by, loudly addressed me in his gruffy voice, telling me to slow down. He also added "ni selalu jalan laju", indicating to his mates that he knows me (prolly has seen me a few times) and I'm always seen to be walking at a fast pace. The reason why I brought this part up is because when I got back from College in the afternoon today, the guard at my house called me to ask me why do I always look like I'm in a hurry. I looked back at him and smiled. And then walked away after I flashed my card at the door. Hahahaha I guess the first thing I must say is that these people really have nothing better to do than to observe how other people walk. Besides that, maybe it IS my fault that my way of walking does seem to turn a few heads. Maybe I look funny. You know those people in walkathons? Don't they look hilarious? Yeah well I think I look like that ;/

[So in the end I still reached college quite late. Not too late though. People were just entering class, so I guess I was right on the dot. ]

When I came home I asked my mum about the way I walk. -I was surprised that 2 different individuals actually commented on my peculiar walking speed. That they actually noticed. My mum said that I walk like I'm being chased by something, and I'm running away from it. But I don't find that strange nor amusing. I've developed this habit of walking fast since I was in primary school in Singapore. Once I came home banging on the front gate begging my mum to open it and yelling "ummi there's a fox hurry hurrry open this!!!" hahaha. I remember her reply was that she would not open it until I tell the truth. I got upset and began to cry, insisting that I hadn't made that up. Eventually my maid opened the door for me. That's my earliest memory of walking at an abnormal speed. (lol yeah right "abnormal speed"!) And besides, like I always tell people, we cannot afford to walk in a leisurely pace, it's seriously a waste of time! Walking is time-consuming, really.

I also told my mum about what happened to me in the morning. She told me it's a sickness. a S-I-C-K-N-E-S-S. (LOL?) She added that I've had it since I was a little girl. I would assume things are not there and I would go and check to see if things were in place etc. and would come back to find the thing which I've been looking for in my bag all along.

Kiasu-ness: Me being overly-worried and paranoid but at the same time ignorant (i.e. i refused to check my bag first. )

Kanchong-ness: Me running around like a mad woman.

These two terms, for your information, is widely associated with Singaporeans.

Besides walking like a clown, I also act like a complete lunatic when I'm alone in corridors or in lifts. I literally scan the whole place for possible hidden cameras/holes/people. I do funny things, all due to my kiasu-ness! >.<

this world is full of unkind people.

2011-07-10T19:10:00.001+08:00

*NOTE: this has very little or nothing to do with the previous post which I've just deleted- in case anyone who has managed to read it is wondering. ..because this refers to a great number of people and not that just one person. *

All of the children of Adam err, and the best of those who err are the oft repenting.
[Hadith Tirmidhi]

If someone who is deemed a leader, -someone who is looked up to by many, happens to commit a grave mistake, it is generally, understandable that he might lose a number of followers. The concept of people assuming perfection in that person's character, expecting it to always stay excellent and seeing it always as "exemplary" has always been something I believe in. Or should I say something I once believed in. I mean, I know that as humans we sin and make mistakes, but to be engaged in something bad/sinful for so long and to be doing it in secret when you have people looking up to you as a role model is just.. unacceptable. I'm definitely not saying I have never been in that situation. I have, but it's just that I'm not someone who people look up to really. And if there is any, please stop looking up to me. I am not the right kind of person who you should be following. But you see, I have a good number of role models whose footsteps I follow. And automatically if they are seen to be doing something I don't agree with, their name drops from my A list. All respect I ever had for that individual cease to exist or depletes in amount. And I find it extremely hard to take orders from them like I used to. And it is especially challenging when that person does not know that you know of his/her darkest secrets. I don't know if it is normal to be so stupid and ignorant to be such an obedient soul in the first place. and to place a 100% trust in that person. and to assume that this person does not commit and will never even thought of committing BIG mistakes (which even I would not have caught myself dead ever doing it wallahu a'lam). How can I be so stupid to do that?! These people whom I regard as leaders are not God. They are bound to sin. And it is completely normal for a person to sin.

*sigh.

Maybe it is rare that we catch good people doing bad things. Maybe my eyes, heart and mind are not familiar yet with this change of scene. Oh how rigid and narrow my thinking was! How easily deceived I am!

This "realization epiphany" or whatever you want to call it had occurred to me for a while now but it is only now that I've decided to document and write about it. At least a fragment of it would do just fine. Just to remind me in case I forget. Because apparently we are not only capable of committing mistakes, but to forget as well. So anyway, this vow is a vow from the time of "realization". I vowed to never trust anyone completely in this entire world. I should have been introduced to this rule earlier. This rule should govern all my actions from now on. Everyone should take this pledge to never ever think that the person who you have all respect for, even for literally your whole life, is not capable of betraying you. You have to be independent.

I'm guessing that this understanding is the first step in learning how to deal with the inhabitants of this complicated world. So its true. Allah is the only One you can trust. Trust Him. always.

Henna in Economics class.

2011-07-06T23:45:00.004+08:00

I haven't been feeling the Blogger-ish mood lately ): I didn't do or thought of anything interesting in particular since my last entry . Well, nothing worth sharing here in the blogosphere at the moment at least hahaha except this....

Ah my very awesome webcam quality =.= Anyway, my friend Arvind drew a Henna tattoo on my left hand today! Nisha (my other friend) and I sat through a whole Econs class with Henna on our hands, waiting for them to dry! haha. It was hilarious! But then I had to wash it off earlier than Nisha although hers was drawn first because I had to pray my Zuhr prayers. But it turned out kind of orange-ey. A henna colour which I don't like cos it looks like its fading and all :/ So first thing I did as soon as I got home was that I traced it back with the henna my mum bought from Makkah. This one comes out really dark and nice in colour but it will not last long. Its a lighter brown now, which will do I guess. For now. I'm okay with it. So anywhooo, oh gosh Arvind is brilliant! She should go into Bridal Henna business, shouldn't she!

Excuse me for -as you can see- I'm still in my Gi which is my Karate uniform. That's my heavy Gi. (not-for-sparring uniform) Its a million sizes bigger than my actual size but we had to look for the right pants size. My legs are kind of long, so my actual size won't fit me:/ so size 6 it is, for me! So why was I in that again..? I just got back actually. We have trainings every night this week because we'll be going for our Grading this Sunday inshAllah! Argh all the japanese terms!! May God help me with that! And please pray for me! I want to impress the sensei's and feel good about my achievements in karate so far inshAllah.

you can't suffocate me with fresh air.

2011-06-29T10:11:00.009+08:00

Everyone loves beautiful weather! SubhanAllah :) الحمد لله for everything.

{I love | I like moments}

I love morning rain showers. Everything's so fresh, alive and green. Where I live is already very green in the first place, and it's sickening sometimes. But today the greenery is exquisite. I am so in love with tthis fresh, cool air. I haven't felt so rejuvenated in a long time. I like how this feels on my skin. I love the confidence it brings. I like how it slaps me in the face lightly but sharp enough to wake me up. I like how I'm aware of my heart beating a little faster than usual and my veins feel the gush of fast-flowing blood. I like feeling every muscle in my body relax. I like feeling renewed. I love it when I realise I'm taking things in slowly, in a calm way. Unlike my usual panicky self. I love this feeling of the rush of clean air entering and escaping my lungs. I feel my body being filtered. I like to think that I'm inhaling positivity and I like to imagine 'retaining' a maximum volume of it by holding my breath, and then exhaling an amount of negativity and everything that is tainted with it. I love these moments when I feel most inspired by nature. I like how my mind works in the morning. I like how I feel quite conscious of my surroundings. I love how I'm able to trick my mind into thinking that I'm converting my worries and fears into things that are embrace-able. I like to think I'm obsessed with 'embracing pain'. It is liberating, relieving. It feels genuinely legit. Gulping down a litre of water after swallowing a huge pill feels good, doesn't it? That pill is medicine, innit? and they're supposed to cure and heal right? Similarly, once we figure out a way to overcome our fears,worries and problems, we will automatically be healed. I found mine.. although it involves me lying to myself. I don't normally cheat. But to myself, and in this case, it is acceptable since it's the only way I've found effective. It's the only way out. The brain can be manipulated and influenced in so many ways. The heart can't. Tell your heart that this is for the good and betterment of all things, and it'll command your brain to think things.

Why can't I always be this calm and feel this serene?

I'm going to cherish this moment while it lasts.
Stay good and don't brood!
x

I just realised this now: Maybe it's because today is the 27th of Rajab? 1432 years ago on this day, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) experienced the Isra' wal-Mi'raj where he received the commandment of Salaah (prayer). May Allah shower His mercy and blessings upon us all. Ameen. Have a lovely day! :)

doooonnee!

2011-06-29T01:27:00.001+08:00

Done with my semester exams! alhamdulillah. I don't know what I did back there in the exam hall, but I hope inshAllah they were all good ): ): please please turn out gooodddd! Qul ameen please!

I saw that.

2011-06-25T14:45:00.003+08:00

And this heart burns.

me, frantically ripping pages off magazines.

2011-06-25T01:32:00.012+08:00

Hi. So it's like past midnight and I'm ripping pages off about a dozen magazines. =__= Yeah, go ahead. Imagine me doing that. You probably imagined me as a mad woman. I mean, who does that at 12:45am?

Well you see, my College requires every student to do 10 hours of Community Service. We've been given about a semester. The deadline is next week, 30th of June. And guess what, me, the pro in "-crastinator" decided to leave till the very last minute. I know, holy moly I've only got about 4 or 5 days left..? And in 2 days I'll be sitting for my EXAMS. Like seriously, why didn't I do it earlier??? T_T. Ahem. In my defense: I didn't have the time. (lie) Okay, no I wanted to do it at a Muslim-based place to err support the Muslims. (eh?) Fine. I had the time (1 month holiday!) , I was just too lazy, alright? I've learned my lesson and InshAllah I won't repeat it again! The next 2 days would be dedicated fully to last-minute studying if I had completed Comm Service! Urghhh

Okay so I have decided that tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage where my mum and I used to go on Sundays to teach English and basic Computer knowledge. It is Muslim-based (woohoo!) Unfortunately we have not been going there for almost 2 months! Been too caught up with other things; vacation/holidays, extra classes etc. I feel so bad! But inshAllah I'm going to try and commit to it every Sunday starting this week! Now I'm actually planning out my 3-hour lesson for tomorrow's class inshAllah which starts at 8am. (D; I'm so dead!) I plan to do some reading and give the older girls exercises on the texts given. And for the little ones, I'm bringing my little sister along, Sumayyah, to help me with them. They will do some reading as well, and then some Art and Craft! I plan to assign my sister with conducting that mini art class. Here's what they'll do: Collage and origami. That should be fun. So you see those ripped off magazines pages in that picture? (and my fingers?) I want them to draw something huge and paste little pieces of colourful paper on it. You know that kinda thing. But the thing is, when I started rummaging through my pile of magazines, I realize that I had nothing decent-looking! None of the magazines had -how do I say this...- decent figures/people/pictures in them. You know why it's such a big problem to me? These kids are super religious mashAllah. And sadly they don't have the privilege to go to School and you know.. socialize. And you see, I've seen them. I've seen how they react to things like these. MashAllah I mean, it's good and all... but they're not exposed to these things. Back to my point, I have magazines right. I read them. I dig fashion, photography, teen stories and reviews of all sorts: movies, food, books and products. All that junk. So you might already have in mind what sort of mags are in my possession. Seeing me, a typical teenage girl- you've probably guessed 'em all. Galaxie, Cleo, Seventeen, Company, Women's Weekly etc etc etc! You name it. hahah. And they don't really have -like I said-, decent pictures! So I had to go through all of them and rip out the pages which mostly contain words, tv schedules and rare pictures of famous people in (almost) modest clothing for the kids. I have one of Eva Longoria here in a pretty awesome glitzy blazer which actually covers. Uh-mazing.. the things you find in here =____=

But seriously. I wonder why I don't own any Islamic Magazines. *sigh*.
Firstly, they have boring pictures. They sooo ripped most of Sheikh Google.
Secondly, most are in Malay.
Thirdly, some of the English ones are exclusive ones. Therefore really really expensive. And thick.
Lastly, I'm just not that interested. I dig my deen on HalalTube. *tugs at collar* hahah. And other Islamic Books. I just don't prefer Islamic Magazines. What do you think? If you have any good Islamic Mags do recommend me some ;)

I may sound very hypocritical, but would you shove a Seventeen mag in the face of someone who's never even heard of X-men? WOULD YOU? no, right? If you would do that, then you don't know how to deal with people at all. Ok so I'm not trying to say I'm so used to seeing all these "haram" (as most may call it), I'm just saying I'm more exposed to them. And puhlease, just because I have them, just because I own them, doesn't mean I look up for tips on how to dress or look like them. I'm not idolizing them. They just err.. happen to be there on the same page as an article I was reading on how *raw honey and olive oil lightens your hair. (HAH!) Whatever it is, at the end of the day it is for their own good. So tomorrow inshAllah my class won't be interrupted by screaming children flagging up a page on a shirtless Ian Somerhalder. Okay, sorry that was a bit exaggerated. But you get my point. You do, right?

In the picture above everything looks acceptable right? That's filtered already. Gosh sounds like I own playboy magazines or something. It's not THAT bad. Oh, and speaking of that... I stumbled upon an issue of one of the Magazines I wrote to ages ago and they published my letter at the front page. OH YEAH!!! haha I feel famous lol. No actually it's nothing to be proud of ): It's just some rubbish I wrote when I was like 16. I'm 17 now :P Well, almost.

Alrighto gotta get back to my packing. I want to be a prepared teacher since I get annoyed with teachers who come unprepared- I don't wanna be one! So I need colour pencils, crayons, blank papers, glue and storybooks! Oooh that reminds me. Even those storybooks I had carefully picked them out. Even my mum agreed with me that I should make things comfortable for them;) I picked out the Oxford children's book series in which they feature an Indian Muslim family haha. Lol those Oxford book writers do stereotype a lot of things, I must say! But it's all still good. And I like that series when I was younger and still do, because they feature a girl named Yasmin and her brother Ahmad. Gosh is my name really that common? It's not common here! *shout out to Yazz!! ;)*

This has got to work tomorrow inshAllah. Somehow. I need your prayers! That iA I will be able to get through 3 hours with them without difficulty. That everything will go on smoothly. That my efforts will pay off. (wait a min, "efforts"? lol :/) That I will be able to continue the next day, another 3 hours and next week another 3 +1. INSHALLAH.

p.s: sorry it's really late and I'm so tired. I don't even know what I wrote up there. Must be a load of crap. If there are any mistakes, just bear with it for a while until I edit this post tomorrow okay?

p.p.s: I was just wondering if imam Khalid Latif, Chaplain of ICNYU and Muslim Chaplain of NYPD. is married? Remember the guy from Conver(t)sations video I posted? The MC with the monotonous voice. I can't remember if he mentioned his marital status. I'm just curious to know. Nothing of that sort, please. I well.. uh found his blog which hasn't been updated since July '10 =.= Looks awesome to me. I'm in a half-awake mind right now so I obviously can't be reading it right now. I'll get on to that soon inshAllah. click HERE!

chills down my spine.

2011-06-22T11:01:00.000+08:00

"Don't act like the hypocrite
who thinks he can conceal his wiles
while loudly quoting the Quran"
-Hafez, 14th century Iranian poet.

On running.

2011-06-20T14:26:00.003+08:00

I can't concentrate atm. ):

Date a girl who runs. Date a girl who chooses to move than to let the world pass her by. She will cover the roads with you while talking about the mundane to the profound without gasping for air. She will notice and appreciate the little things: the extra cushioning of her shoes, the softness of the pavement vs concrete, or how much cooler it is to run 30 minutes earlier in summer.
Take her to a race and be there with her 30 minutes before gun start. You will watch her fret over her gels, and her hydration, and the portalets. You will laugh because she gives so much importance to running as if it was her entire life. But, you will learn later on that it only shows how passionate she can be about what is important for her.
Hold her jittery hands before you enter the assembly area. She will hope to break her PR at the half marathon, but do not wish her luck; she won’t need it after all the speed work and tempo runs. Instead, show her a reassuring smile that she’ll be fine and that you’ll be proud of her whether she finishes first or 50th. Let her know that you’ll be waiting at the finish line—or at least you’ll show up there in case she finishes several minutes before you do.
If you find a girl who runs, never let her go; register for a marathon and train together. Be her best friend on the road. When she talks, listen to the joys of her first 5k, the pains of her recurring Plantar Fasciitis, and the 1,001 reasons why she loves to run while pretending that you can keep up with her “easy” pace. In between stories, allow her to take a sip from your water bottle or remind her when it’s time to take a gel. Watch her glow when she talks about running; she is in her element. She is running by your side.
She is happiest on Sundays, the day when she can run long with you. She loves to sweat, and the sore legs, and, of course, the hefty breakfast along with the good conversations that follow each run. Always have a cold, wet towel in the cooler waiting for her. Surprise her with her favorite post-recovery drink, low fat chocolate milk, and if she runs an extra 5km, spike it with her favorite coffee from Starbucks. In her simple joys, you will find an abundance of happiness.
Propose after your first marathon abroad. Or drop the ring in her hydration bottle. Or run the trails together and end with a proposal at sunset.
When you marry a girl who runs, the only time you will see her slow down is when she walks down the aisle towards you. She’ll be a picture of beauty and strength in a gown with her running shoes upon her feet and all you will be able to think of is the thousands of kilometers you will run together. You will find the best running partner in her. You will talk about the household, career, and finances during your long runs. You will fight during your hill training and make up during easy runs.
She will never force your children to run, but they will learn to love it when they see her passion for running. She will make living a healthy, active life easy, natural, and best of all, fun. Expect a lot of laughter, sweat, and sports beans. Running will not be a sport, but it will be a way of life for you and your children. You will never run alone.
Love a girl who runs and she will love you back the same way she loves running. You will ask her why she loves running and she’ll answer: Because I can. You will ask her why she loves you and she’ll reply: Because I do.

-Jayvee

I'm sorry I just had to post this up! I'm a sucker for things like these ;S There are actually other similar articles: Date a girl who reads and Date a girl who writes and Date a girl who blogs. I chose this *insert "I choose you!" ~~from Pokemon lol~~ * simply because I was always the one who's passionate about running. I can somehow relate to this. It's just that sadly, the writer writes in the form of "giving advice/tip". I don't really the format of this article. (like how and when to propose. That wasn't necessary. A guy can do that whenever he wants. I just wanted to read about the running bit!) But anyway, back to the story of my life.. The high you get from running, (Runner's High- I believe) makes me feel all jelly inside. That euphoric feeling. And I feel good too. Ah you know how I always talk about being on the move. Remember my post about constantly moving? (I'll find the link later.) I cannot not run. Running makes me feel good. Doesn't matter if I win the race or not. I do it for me me me. Speaking of marathons and running races, I miss those! :( Ever since College started, I haven't done much running except the usual 10-minute run before Karate trainings.

p/s: I have an ad running at the top of my blog, if you haven't noticed. Read "Date a girl who blogs" to know what i'm talking about. ;) And if you're feeling kind of kind today, click on it so I'll get enough money to buy myself a pair of new running shoes! >.< THANK YOU.

dose of Islamic lecture for today is...

May Allah preserve him! ♥ his accent haha. but ohmygosh his Arabic o.O where are the subtitles?!

And there are those just like me.

2011-06-19T23:48:00.000+08:00

It was like any other day today. I was busy going through a bunch of blogs, reading post after post until I realised something. I felt that there had been something about these people that made me feel comfortable hanging around their 'place'. I actually share almost the same views as some people out there!- that was something which took me by surprise actually, because it was as if I were reading my own blog. (Only theirs were a tad bit better :P) Their views are insanely similar to mine. So I haven't been alone all this while. I'm not much different. On some issues I have addressed publicly my thoughts, but some are just waiting to be voiced out. I've yet to do that. 'Cos you see, many a times I over-think, and I over-analyze which both made me create this wall of fear of expressing my thoughts freely. But I am glad now to have found company. People who are just like me. Thank you!

And uhm yes, I guess I'm officially back to blogging? hahahaha! I have one week left till exams, can't wait!- ....to be done with 'em, of course.

people think i'm getting worked up with Eng lit? well..

2011-06-19T12:34:00.005+08:00

I am so frustrated!! No one agrees with me when I say poets are the most misunderstood people on the planet! Haven't you ever thought that maybe he meant what he wrote and that sometimes, there is no need to find the deeper meaning to it? Poem critics are really annoying. They sound like they know everything and it's obvious that they had a different interpretation of a line when they first read it. And then it changes with every read.

Like seriously. Maybe the guy decided to write something but he deliberately covers up some things, as in he doesn't fully incorporate his true feelings in his writing because he felt like it. Only he knows the story behind it. But then suddenly some guy find this poet's work awesome and decides to interpret it the way he thinks is what the poet was going through or was thinking at the point when he decided to write. He thinks he knows better. And the poet realises that his mere "work" which lots of people feel that they can relate to, brings him heaps of money, he decides that it should stay that way. He decides that it is best to let people think the way they want to. Cos he gets money, ka-ching ching $,$ or if he's already dead, his family is honoured with gifts and more money.

It is actually annoying. You know when you write something randomly somewhere and a friend found it and he/she starts looking for a deeper meaning to your note. You friend starts pondering on what could you possibly mean. They come up with different interpretations. It's all stupid and fun to watch. Cos you're just sitting there like "IM THE BOSS." But sometimes it is pathetic. **You don't have to find a deeper meaning to EVERYTHING. People should stop acting smart. If someone reads my poems, I would not want them to write a whole freaking essay on what they think about it. I'd prefer them to keep their thoughts to themselves. Another reason is also because it can cause defect in other people's interpretation of it. Its not good to read too many interpretations, sometimes. It totally influences yours.

**applies to everything but (finding) the purpose of Life.
Seriously. If someone tells you you've got bad breath, it is because you do. And don't be saying "omg I have a hater. wooot. Haters gonna hate. They're just jealous. " =____=

Lots of things annoy me (the 1st two I've already mentioned):
1) people who try to interpret things/find deeper meaning to something (especially when things are already so darn simple and crystal clear)
2) people who say "i've got a hater, and they're just jealous". Some people just mean it when they say you've got a problem
3) teachers who ask "what should we do today? ANSWER ME!" (dude sheesh we don't plan for you)
4) people who chew food loudly
5) people who stand in an awkward pose. (stand straight, that pose does not make you look cool)
6) the smell of strong deodorant on people.

I'll add more to the list later haha. No I don't hate people, I just find that there are certain things which other people do which get on my nerves. What do you think? What kind of human characteristics(? lol) do you dislike most? And do I annoy you?

thoughts

2011-06-19T09:22:00.006+08:00

Aren't you amazed of converts? MashAllah. I know I am. They make me appreciate being born to parents who already are Muslims even more. I obviously didn't say "born Muslim" because as Muslims we all believe that every single person was born a Muslim. And it is their parents who determine or rather decide what faith their children embrace. And that's why most Muslims say "revert" instead of "convert".

For them to have found Islam and their courage to dispel all other common conceptions about Islam and look into it with an open heart. I believe it is the nature of humans to seek a deity whom they find worthy of worship. It is by the mercy of Allah Himself that they discover His signs. They discover Him. They actually took the trouble to be different, and to stand for what they think is right. To be unafraid. They are unafraid.

I know that everyone, at some point in their lives, question their purpose of existence. I know for sure that everyone goes through a period of doubt, of much contemplation and thinking. Some call it a phase of self-discovery, and I don't disagree with it. Keep in mind that I'm referring to people's journey to having faith, embracing religion. The results vary; and people come to different decisions in the end. Some turn to Buddhism, some to Hinduism. Some to Judaism, some to Christianity. Some even to Atheism and the like. And some to Islam which always always always always turn heads- as it is expected to.

Because Islam is something strange.

“Islam began as something strange and will revert to being strange as it began, so give glad tidings to the strangers.”

I know of some converts who got kicked of his own house by his own family. I know of a sister who couldn't commit to the hijab because she's afraid her family might disown her. We've all heard stories of brothers/sisters who got divorced for having embraced Islam.

read more here.

Allah is the Turner of Hearts and He guides whom He wills. Yeap, I'm sure we all know that. However some people still voice out things like this: "Wow, I don't know how you did it. Research and all. You went through all that? I don't know.. if I hadn't been born Muslim, I don't think I would have taken the trouble to do all that thinking, especially at such a young age. You're so serious. As a young Muslim I was always playing around, I never sat down and thought of following a system or way of life. I was just given it, you know. And yeah I agree with all the rules Islam has set for me, I think its perfect. Still, I don't think I would have gone into the trouble of searching for the truth" I mean, don't you trust that Allah is the one who Knows all things? If He has made you Muslim, then it is your destiny. It's been pre-ordained. So don't say that you wouldn't have thought about Islam if you hadn't been Muslim. Do you think you know the future more than God does? I used to have thoughts like these when I was.. when I was.. let's say less mature (?); when all worldly things seemed so tempting. But when you come to think of it, regardless of how you came to Islam, Allah has written in the kiraman katibeen that you shall be His slave. You will be, no matter what. No matter how you got to knowing Islam.

Also, even if you're already born as "Muslim", you still will reach a point in your life where you "re-take" your shahaadah. That point where you are very very convinced and sure about this way of life. Sounds familiar? You bet it is! :D Ah, you all know that point where you re-assure yourself by doing what is known as "comparative religion" where you have all the debates in your head.You start to resource more information on other religions and start over. You put Islam aside for a while (please don't take it wrongly, dear muslims) and open your eyes to all other "ways of life". Do some studying here and there. You do some praying to God for guidance. So I guess everyone is sort of like reverts, yeah? We all need re-assurance. We all need to be sure of what we're placing faith in. And at that point, whether you claim to religious now or not, you sort of have this urge to inform other people about this amazing new way of life. This urge, powered by the rush of overwhelming information you've just acquired, either is executed to action or is kept to yourself.

This way of life is like no other. A way of life where there is only One God worthy of worship. He creates, give life and sustenance. He also takes away life, gives us tests and punishes those who deserve to be punished. No assistant nor helpers. He runs the show alone, like a God ought to be. He has no partners or affiliates. He does not beget nor was He begotten. He possesses no human-like qualities. He does not feel fatigue, does not sleep and is always alive. He is the First and Last. His Mercy supersedes His anger. He judges His slaves according to their individual deeds. No one is to take other people's sins as their own.

Aren't you amazed that this religion is complete and uniformed? Where else can you find one which covers all aspects of life? Tell me, is there anything else like the system of Islamic finance? more on the Islamic Economic System, please click here. System of Zakah? Shari'ah- Islamic law? And to get down to the finer and smaller details: the duties and responsibilities of muslims towards their parents, neighbours, other muslims, strangers, animals etc. , the rules on clothing and food. et cetera.. and the list goes on..

And that 5 times a day we turn to God, dropping all worldly things to focus on our preparation for the Hereafter. And that the athaan is a non-stop melodious call to prayer which goes off signaling the time for prayer- and since we live in different time zones, while the athaan is Malaysia has just ended, the athaan in Indonesia is just about to sound. And then the one is Phillipines goes off. And throughout the whole world through the harsh deserts of Africa, to the freezing Switzerland. And the cycle continues for the next call to prayer and the next and the next. How systematic. Who else could have designed a movement with such precision other than Allah?

Islam is also not just for a people of one colour. We have been stereotyped to be said to be made up of entirely Asian people. Heck to the no. There is no typical image of a Muslim, really. Muslims are not all white. Or yellow. Or brown. I actually respect those who acknowledge that. Something else that people actually believe about being Muslim is that you can't pray to God by yourself- you have to have the Imam with you. This is so so wrong! It is absolutely forbidden to take intermediaries. You want to talk to God? Talk to him yourself! Why ask another person to do it for you?

I am very grateful, alhamdulillah to have been shown Islam. I submit inshAllah, to only One God, Whose capabilities are beyond my imagination. But it's just so unfortunate that we live in a time where societies seem to be against us. No, society is the one who's got a corrupted mindset. A simple example would be how people accept and prefer women to be walking down the streets half-naked than to be modestly-covered, if not from head to toe- at least.

Dr.Bilal Philips said that to give Da'wah is waajib and to hide the truth is haraam. I have no objections to that, wassalam :)

p/s: here some videos I like!

And there are many more. Just search them on Youtube, and there are millions. Most people upload videos of them taking the Shahadah just because they don't have Islamic Centres or Mosques where the live, so they need us to be their witnesses. Watching these has been super addictive, it has done things to me :')

I will leave you at this: "The Last Day will not come until Islam has entered every single house on the earth." Have a nice day!

Mr.J, bye!

2011-06-14T16:10:00.000+08:00

Goodbye, Accounting class! :D

A sort-of hiatus.

2011-06-03T01:50:00.001+08:00

Search me on Facebook. Yeah, go ahead. Type in my name and you won't find my account! :D

I really need to start acting like an Alevels candidate. Gosh, I procrastinate like a pro and I don't get much studying done during my free time D; I'm bad bad bad. I hope this method will work. It better! I've got many posts saved as drafts- I'll get to them when I'm freer.

I hereby confirm the commencement of my break from Facebook and Blogger.com. I'll be tweeting though inshAllah. -Haven't done that in a while. See you soon. Real soon;) I'll try to adhere to the rules I've set for myself inshAllah. You shall help me and pray for me. Yeap you heard me.

I'll be back! (let's see how long I'll be able to resist)

Beautiful

2011-05-31T15:02:00.000+08:00

Maybe you're smarter than me,
Or maybe you just know how much your worth?
Or maybe you don't need anyone to tell you you're beautiful
Cause you already knew that the day you came out the womb
Maybe you know too much, or maybe you just expect the worst
Or maybe you aint trying to be nobody's baby unless he speaks with your dad first
Maybe you're saving yourself for heaven cause you can't stand this earth
Maybe you're saving yourself from hell, Iblis and the ones who are cursed
Maybe you see past deception, maybe this world is a lie
Maybe we're like in the matrix, but you're unplugged and you can fly
Maybe you just wanna go back home so you stare at the sky
Maybe you know the difference between living and just being alive
Maybe you are a slice of this life's ultimate prize
Cause maybe your mind has been divinely designed
But maybe it's just me or maybe its maybeline
Or maybe I should do a better job at lowering my gaze but honestly you're amazing
And I treat you like a queen cause you give me no choice
My sister in deen it is time to rejoice,
For you who believe and work righteous deeds,
There is a garden of bliss, for all of eternity
If only you would believe what your eyes could not see
Which begs the question what is beauty?

Maybe it's the way her bodies shaped or the way she's dressed?
But if everyone was blind, how many people would you impress
The best couldn't care less for tight jeans or a short dress
Or those shirts that expose what God told you to protect
And I don't mean to sound rude, but how could you approve of any dude
Who doesn't mind sharing the whole world with you?
And he don't think you're beautiful, he think your booty full
Glossed lips with make up on every single cuticle, and it aint cute at all
Cause if those shoes hurt your feet, why don't you just take them off
Some girls think that pain equals sexy, and if you got it show it off
But nobody even looks happy with those plastic smiles on
And those magazines are wrong, forget men and their songs
Love yourself first before you take anyone else on,
And to love yourself is to love the one whom which all love belongs
There is beauty in creation, but creator really got it going on
There is something seriously wrong, with pre-teens in thongs
And middle aged moms who cant see life move on
So they tell wrinkles to be gone, buy hair to make it long
You cant keep it real, cause you dont even know who you are
You women are oppressed, forced to flaunt your thighs and chest
And before puberty, you already on a diet
Promoting nudity, like it's some kind of natural science
But you're a diamond, I shouldn't even see past the glass cage unless I'm buying
But if you have no shame than do as you please
Cause what is beauty, but an extension of modesty?

So maybe she's right, maybe she does deserve respect
Maybe she walks around feeling like a superhero with that scarf dangling from her neck
Maybe nobody is forcing her to wear it,
Maybe she would never leave home without it,
And maybe she don't care what people think, cause most opinions aint even valid
Maybe she feels free; maybe she has peace of mind
And maybe she'll give you a piece of her mind if you step out of line,
Maybe she isn't perfect, but maybe she's trying
Maybe she is just taking things one day at a time
Maybe she laughs and maybe she cries
And maybe you would be surprised at everything she keeps inside
Maybe she hears every single word said by those cowards
Maybe she has no problem defying all those who doubt her
Maybe she is a warrior and the silence is getting louder
Maybe she wears that shield cause every single day is a battle
Maybe she is more than the skin she is in,
Maybe we should start learning how to love what's within
Maybe God only knows all the places she has been
But maybe she comes back to him, again and again
Maybe she's not afraid to die, just afraid not to live
Maybe I am not worthy of everything she can give
Maybe she is kind, sweet, pure, gentle and suitable
And maybe, just maybe she is beautiful

Disturbed by some Disturbance.

2011-05-29T23:36:00.003+08:00

Few, odd sentences. Some unfinished. I cannot think of pretty sentences as of now. Whatever that comes to mind, I shall type out.

This morning at 6. I woke up. and found myself sprawled on the couch. in the living room; with my legs dangling off that comfy thing. I was surrounded by half-folded clothes, some were already in piles. Some had tumbled down. In trying to remember how I ended up here, my consciounce whispered to me; who or what had woken me up? I didn't give it much thought then. so I went back to sleep on the other couch and knew I didn't say 'bismillah' and brush the space with my hands- like I usually do.
I just couldn't be bothered. Very unlike me. I closed my eyes, preparing to fall into a deep slumber once more. But suddenly icy fingers touched my arm. My eyelids quickly flew open, my body on full alert.

It was my mom.

She told me to wake my sisters up for Fajr . She also told me to read Quran loudly for her. She looked terrified. She told me something bad has happened. and it was not just a nightmare it was real. it didn't let her breathe or read her prayers. it was evil and it's still lurking in the house? -I asked. This is the second time, she told me. Second time in this house since the time we came back from the trip.

I did what I was told.

The day went by. quite normally for most of the part. But just as soon as I played recitations of the Quran again tonight on the laptop. I hear screeching sounds from above. The ceiling; could it be the neighbour above us?. The screech grew louder- painful and eerie to hear. No, it can't be; their floor and our ceiling are both equally thick; if one were to drag a chair we would surely hear. but scratching the floor would not make a noise. Marble sounds. Rolling marbles. every night in every house. I hear this. as if a child was playing his marbles. I always believed that there could be a scientific explanation for this. maybe it's those bubbles in between the carelessly slabbed cement in between bricks that would be our flooring or ceilings. Maybe they're causing these rolling-marble sounds? I remembered back when we were in our 206 flat in Singapore. I used to hear the same thing every night.

Do you hear those things in your house? I know it's not just me. One of my friends said she hears the same thing at night.

Anyway. Now I am confined between these 4 walls. In the comfort of my own room. Quran recitations blasting my speakers right now. Sorry for the poorly written post. I might delete this if I feel like it later. But for now, take care.

kl-kedah-thailand-perlis trip teaser ;)

2011-05-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

You can probably tell that I was never really taught how to chew my food like a lady.

more photos of our awesome trip shall be uploaded some other time. Not right now 'cos my internet's being emo :S

i might forget you

2011-05-19T17:17:00.006+08:00

oh, and by the way, for your kind information,

(that would be BTW FYI hehe... gosh I'm so lame =_=), Ramadhan is drawing closer and closer!

When is Ramadan in 2011?

Ramadan in 2011 will start on Monday, the 1st of August and will continue for 30 days until Tuesday, the 30th of August.

Note that in the Muslim calander, a holiday begins on the sunset of the previous day, so observing Muslims will celebrate Ramadan on the sunset of Sunday, the 31st of July.

Although Ramadan is always on the same day of the Islamic calendar, the date on the Gregorian calendar varies from year to year, since the Gregorian calendar is a solar calendar and the Islamic calendar is a lunar calendar. This difference means Ramadan moves in the Gregorian calendar approximately 11 days every year. The date of Ramadan may also vary from country to country depending on whether the moon has been sighted or not.

The dates provided here are based on the dates adopted by the Fiqh Council of North America for the celebration of Ramadan. Note that these dates are based on astronomical calculations to affirm each date, and not on the actual sighting of the moon with the naked eyes. This approach is accepted by many, but is still being hotly debated.

source: http://www.when-is.com/ramadan-2011.asp http://www.when-is.com/ramadan-2011.asp

So long as you have the voice and will to do it.

2011-05-18T19:21:00.001+08:00

American Soldiers finally speaking up and questioning the American Government!! let there be more Iraq Veteran Against War members, O American soldiers! You can help stop this occupation!

I feel that this is a very very important video. it contains honest accounts and testimonies of those who have been ordered by their own country to go and kill the innocent. These young American Soldiers were told that they were fighting terrorists when in fact all they see are people; barefooted and hungry, weak and ailing. Against what and whom are they fighting again? The begin to ask how is this honourable- to plant bombs in the grounds of the civilians and demolishing their houses. These soldiers are humans too, no wonder. They feel guilty, like how a normal person would. Now that they see what their government is actually aiming for, they're starting to fight back and stand up for what they think is MORALLY right. Share this please, with every human who cares for Human Rights and who aims for World Peace.

"i feel guilty every time i pull a young girl by the arm to the road"
"i hugged the man and said sorry not knowing why i said that. he said that it was okay. He said that it was okay"
"i refuse to participate in the Iraq Occupation"

You are not ignorant. You are the educated, motivated and intelligent youth of this generation.

Use your voices for all good reasons.

PICS SPAM: wardrobe-influencers

2011-05-17T23:45:00.009+08:00

"Oh Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover your  shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of  righteousness---that is the best." [Al-A'raf 7:26]

Salams all :) Hope all is well! ..At least I know for sure that your pointers are all lookin' good! xD haha ..as compared to mine ): But it's healing now (I think) inshAllah!

Do you guys remember my post on Modest Dressing featuring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen here?  haha well guess what! It's baaaaack! Eh I mean.. THEY'RE back! One of my main wardrobe-influencers just because they dress better than most Muslims sometimes. Well, in this part of the world anyway.. Oh the shame! *i'm feeling the guilt, apparently* :/ Modesty is key! These pictures will tell you what kind of style they possess. I'm ready to "adopt" (don't misinterpret, please) with minor alterations with regards to "level of sheerness" etc. - as you can see, some of their clothes are sheer. I would obviously say that it isn't acceptable BUT if it was of a thicker/more opaque material, I'd give it a YES! instantly.

Pictures tell better stories and convey better messages than I do. So let them do the talking for now :)

oh and btw, GOTTA LOVE SKIRTS AND LONG TOPS!♥

{photosource: olsensanonymous and vogue diaries}

*Islam has not prescribed a particular dress style, giving us ample room to accommodate our needs, circumstances and tastes. There are principles, however, to guide us in how to dress properly.

*means that you need not dress like the Arabs if you aren't an Arab. nor do you have to dress like a Japanese if you aren't Japanese. You can dress in however style according to culture/tradition you want as long as you follow these important principles.

To find out what the principles are and to read more on The Islamic Dress code, click here.

embracing pain.

2011-05-15T11:41:00.012+08:00

I have not re-read this post yet. There is a high possibility of grammar/punctuation errors here and there you will find. My apologies, in advance. Will try to edit this later when I have the time. Oh, one more thing- I know I promised a post dedicated especially for my mom. but that shall wait, alright? Take care, be safe. Don't play with wooden chopsticks.

me- a day before surgery day, i.e. this afternoon.

after surgery. pained/cool expression ngahahaha

WARNING: This is a very long post. Might contain unsuitable words for minors. PLEASE BE WARNED. and don't yell "haraaam" at me for cursing. I try to be as decent as possible for everyone.

Peace be upon each and everyone of you :) As I write this now, I've just gotten back into my seat and resumed my typing. I stopped typing and got off my comfy place here on the bed not more than a minute ago when i realized the "cap" of gauze that is supposed to be the outer layer of my poor finger's dressing has come off. It was loose. I found it in my bag haha what are the odds. Now I've got it on, resecured it with a rubber band I found in the kitchen.

Ok, firstly, let me get down to what and how it all happened and a lil disclaimer before I pour out all my gibberish rubbish rant which you guys wanted to hear so badly. no? fine maybe it's me who wanted you people to know. Ah bear with me already!

#DISCLAIMER STARTS HERE#

Right. So firstly, before I get down to the real thing, I'd like to let you know that I shall try my very best to be as honest and genuine and apt as possible in describing the relevant events (with my feelings&thoughts at that time) that have occurred up to the time when I was rushed to the hospital. There- whoopsiee I'm sorry. That was an exaggeration right there~ Ahem. No no I wasn't exactly rushed to the hospital.. It should be "….up to the time when I was immediately referred to the hospital". Now better? I'll try to not exaggerate despite the fact that I'm quite well known for precisely that.- exaggerating. Also, what I meant by "honest", "genuine", "apt" is that I don't want you to think I'm just putting a particular sentence that way to make myself sound good or angelic or anything of that sort. Sentences that are to be (poorly) constructed in the next few lines, especially the ones dedicated to describing my feelings and thoughts at that time, would be all REAL and LEGIT with NO SUGAR/SALT/PEPPER/MSG a.k.a AJI-NO-MOTO ADDED (using very basic vocabulary as I know very little). So please do not think I was so bothered to think of ways to put myself in a really really good light given the circumstances that I was thrown into.

#DISCLAIMER ENDS HERE#

So I went out for lunch last Friday with my newly made (leng lui-s!) friends from college for the first time :) We went to this Japanese Restaurant I can't quite recall its name now and that was my first time dining there. Don't know why but I feel that there's a need to mention their names (in other words, this is their first debut in my blog!) : Ming Yen, An Yi, Pei Jiun, Lydia, Denise and Maxine. Not blaming anyone nor backbiting any of them, I just want to prove that they were there, they were witnesses. I hope they don't mind! Someone distributed the wooden chopsticks and I, being the girl who can't keep her hands still by her sides went on and gripped the top of the chopstick using my 2 fingers (left: index and thumb, i believe) and ran them down, towards the end of the stick. Note that the stick was placed vertically upright on the table. I had no idea why i did that. As my fingers ran along the wooden thing, I suddenly felt a sharp thing piercing the skin of my index finger. I let go of it in an instant. "shoot!" a splinter. Maxine saw this. (to prove to you that I wasn't lying) The splinter did not go in too deep, I could see it almost penetrating my skin halfway. It was evident and I got it out quite easily with my long nails of my right hand. I was relieved then and continued chatting and waiting for my food to arrive. Relieved cos it reminded me of that time in Pasir Ris Park barbecue when I had a splinter it was very painful cos it was in too deep and all that you could see was its top. So I got the kind kak Fad to get it out for me. Such a pro! She squeezed my finger and made sure it poked out bit by bit. Finally got it out. No infections, - Nothing.

The lunch was lovely. Thank you girls! ♥ But as soon as I got home, it started throbbing and it swelled up pretty bad. First thing I saw was a black spot, believed to be a blood clot (it really was. doc told me so) at a spot almost half hidden under my nail. That's not even close to where the splinter was! But oh well. See that was how it started.. I didn't think it had anything to do with the splinter. And then, after the weekend passed, I begin to notice another spot blackening. Close to the first spot and also nearer to the splinter area. Soon it became as dark as the 1st. About a day after that I saw that the splinter area has pus boiling on its surface. Well, not exactly, but it was at the very spot, I'm sure. I knew pus was forming and it did hurt really bad. Pus boiling at a place where it isn't supposed to is extremely painful. I could, honestly speaking, feel it growing bigger and bigger, consuming a large area of my flesh. Can you imagine that? With all 3 spots I had to still do things the normal way. Though I was extra careful not to hit or touch anything for it would send a sharp pain to my head. I accidentally hit my finger hard on the edge of the table a few days ago and it sent a quick, sharp pain to my head. Or should I say brain, to be scientifically speaking.

For days I would whine and tell my mom about how much it was really hurting and she would say she doesn't have the time nor could she find time to spare to bring me to see the doctor. Of course, as her daughter I was hurt, emotionally. But that's just me. My emotions, sometimes are easily stirred. But of course I always have this in mind: My mom has 6 other children to worry about and she's working. She doesn't have time for a finger. But to top this miserableness off, I was actually reminded of that woman, Tanya Gludau who came on Oprah with half her body. Half of her body including one of her arms were amputated due to a flesh-eating bacteria which got into her body when she accidentally cut her finger when cutting celery. She's a school chef. Go read more about her if you're interested. The thing that got me worried sick was that that bacteria was jumping from one muscle to the other and was aiming for the brain. It was going consume the brain i guess.

AAAaaanyway, telling myself that my mom's very busy and occupied with a pile of work more important than her daughter, -that normally makes things better. Why do I say 'normally' ? Cos I've used this 'technique' before.. I try to find the good in everything. This time, apparently was a failed attempt. I talked about it on Facebook -my finger- and people actually responded to it quite as how good friends should. And when I'm at college my friends seem concerned enough to ask me about it and if I've been to the doctor. Esther was like, you should really see the doctor if it's getting worse. Russell and Daniel too, they ask me the same thing: "how's your finger?" "have you been to the doctor?". and EVERYTIME I struggle to answer that because I was hesitant to say "my mom doesn't have the time to bring me". Eventually though, I think I did say it and it felt better, actually.

That evening, when my mom came home I asked her again. she told me she was sorry and she still doesn't have the time. I was beginning to question myself about my rights as a minor and that if I think something isn't right I should quickly tell an adult and get them to bring me to a doctor/specialist before things get out of hand. I could die because of this, my finger could be amputated, I hate having to bite my tongue whenever I accidentally hit it on the table. Like I said, it sent a sharp pain to my head. And I'm not lying. So telling my mother things, it didn't work. It was fruitless, useless, I was helpless. I could do nothing about it . I was giving up and the battle's just about to begin. I mean, if my own mother can't bring me, even if anyone else volunteered to take me, I would not have gone, I think. Don't all mothers know what's best for their children? And mine apparently thinks Teachers' Day Dinner was far more important than a piece of skin that's badly inflamed and blackening.

I didn't entirely give up. You know me, I'm a fighter. I gave up on her. I tried my dad. When he came on Friday night I went to him and complained about my finger. He said he'd bring me. YEAYYYY! But when the day passed by I was still at home, no one brought me anywhere. I was nearly going to break down into tears but I held my head up high. I didn't want anyone to think that I'm just being a cry baby. On the other hand I wanted to tell someone it effing hurts so badly. The pain was too much. But it was bearable for me. All I had to do was close my eyes, breathe in deeply and detach myself from the pain. Pain's still there, mind out of it. There. Hurts but, hell's worse. Dying's worse. Palestinian children suffer more than I could ever suffer in my whole entire life. Here I am, trying to find the good in everything. I've got to be patient, even in death. When I wrote about death as my status update on FB I was already tasting it. I knew my time had to end here. I am not exaggerating. It was bloody painful to the extent that I was wondering if I could die a martyr because of this. I was thnking of this hadeeth:

"Five are martyrs: One who dies of plague, one who dies of an abdominal disease, one who dies of drowning, one who is buried alive (and) dies and one who is killed in Allah's cause."

But naaah. I'm not included. Dayum. But oh what the hell, I thought to myself. I've tried everything and nothing works. I was reminded of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Except I wasn't faking it at the start nor did the pain come only after much complaining. I was reaching out to the people whom I thought I could rely on most but I was refused. I'm not a kid anymore damn it. This is a very suckish age to be at. I can't friggin drive, I depend on my parents to drive me around. I don't have money because I don't get allowances except for college and I'm not working. I hate being sixteen. I can't do sh*t by myself. I could walk to the clinic but hell, would they let me in if I can't pay the bill!? I was beginning to name all the curse words that exist. I felt like I had every right to do so because I've tried being so so nice but people think I'm just messing. So now I went to my room, cried my eye balls out and cursed the world. Felt good, you ask? Heck to the no. I felt just same, same ol' miserable me.

Finally FINALLY FINALLY my parents heard me wailing like a mad woman and my dad said "let's go". I was thinking "'bout time, yeah!" I kept quiet. So we went to Medivron Clinic which is like 3 minutes away from where I live. Talked to the pretty Indian doctor about the things she should know and BAM. You know what she said? She asked me why didn't I go earlier and it could become worse. Huh. No surprises there, mate. Folks wouldn't take me nowhere. She asked me when am I free to go to the hospital. She was going to write a referral letter. And I calmly weighed and considered my schedule. Eh no, I was actually going to scream my head off because this was going to start all over again. I'm going to have to beg my mom/dad again next week and see if any of them would have time for me. And then tadaaa! TUESDAY! Its a holiday. I can go by myself. But the money part, I didn't think of it. When I said "Tuesday..?" She looked at me as if I've said something vulgar/bad. She's like guuuuurl, don't you know how bad this is! Do you wanna die. Aren'tchu free today? I'm sending you to the Emergency room guurl! (that was NOT how she said it. haha) And I'm like, oh okay then. Today! I can just drag my dad to drive me to the Hospital.

The whole time after that I was like alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. Praise the Lord! In your face, people. I knew this was baaad. I was so badass I swear I was thinking of things to say to the people who did not think it was something big.

So my dad called my mom and they all had to cancel Karate. Cos we only have 1 car. And he's sending me to the hospital with it. Without further delay we sped off to Hospital Ampang Puteri, the place where I've went to see the Dermatologist TWICE and had my blood taken for a test ONCE and the Eye Specialist ONCE. Man I had a record there lol. I haven't had anything since morning. It was already around 4 and i haven't even eaten breakfast to be honest. I asked my dad for money and went to grab a can of Milo and the small 3-piece packet of Oreos. That didn't fill me up but at least I began to have some colour on my lips. I was going pale, what with no food in my system and the shock of everything else. I was praying that I don't have to have it chopped off. Went it and had my blood pressure and temperature checked. When that was done I had to wait for half an hour before I get to see a doctor. I just told her what happened and everything. When I told her it began to swell up 9 days ago. She was shocked and said: "NINE DAYS!? WHY DID YOU WAIT FOR SO LONG TO COME HERE?!" I tried to say I did try but I didn't. And she referred me to another doctor who would do an X-RAY on my finger to see if there's any splinter left inside. I had to wait another half an hour before seeing him. He's a radiologist and a surgeon, if I'm not mistaken. As he studied the results of my x-ray, he and 4 other nurses concluded that there wasn't anything left in my finger. And then we had to sign some papers before I was to be lead to the Operation Theatre. It was a small one and on the board I saw a list of boys' names. And beside them was the word "circumcision". lol yes. I was old to lie down on the bed thingy and this ginormous sophisticated lights thingy was moved and placed above my head just like in the movies. Looking up, I also saw 3 tubes sticking out of the ceiling: they're gases. I only remember Oxygen, Vacuum, and _____. It was damn scary. Doors closed, and I was barefooted. Lying down in an awkward position, giving my precious left hand to the doctor. I was put in the most awkward position and was tilted to the most unattractive angle with regards to my face. But whatever la, it wasn't like the surgeon was - moooving on,,! There was a nurse there who helped him with the instruments he needed and the packets of needles he requested occasionally.

Firstly he rubbed alcohol on my finger and that yellowish/copperish thing and covered the rest of my hand with a piece of tissue-like thingy with my poor finger sticking out, isolated from its 'friends'. He injected me on my hand (the bony part, the opposite side of my palm) TWICE. It is supposed to numb my index finger but it didn't work!!! I didn't know i'm not supposed to feel any pain so he carried on with cutting my flesh and scraping my flesh to get to the 'root'. IT WAS EXCRUCIATING I SWEAR TO GOD. I did that mind-detaching, calm-breathing thing again, with my eyes closed. I did not realize that my body had stiffened and was tensed. Tears start to fall from my eye, to my cheek and then wetting the pillow. The doctor stopped halfway and asked me what was the matter. I said it hurt a lot. He was shocked! He said I'm not supposed to feel anything at all! It should be numb to the extent that he should be able to chop my finger off without me wincing. I WAS LIKE "WHAT THE HELL!?" And so he poked me twice again, this time nearer to the index finger. He tapped that area, and massaged my finger- I suppose it's to get it circulating fast. And he tested me. Took a sharp object I'm not sure what and started poking that area. And I'm like I can feel something but it's not painful. and he said good, and carried on. See, the thing is, the area where the thing was injected is numb, for sure. But the area where he's cutting me open ISN'T AT ALL. So I winced again. And he's like, "masih boleh rasa?!" (you can still feel it?!) I'm like "i'm sorry doctor, tapi I do feel the pain. sakit.." He requested for another injection for me, this time its another type. And then he said "Your body is resisting it. You are in a lot of pain". I nodded, still in pain because while he's talking to me all this while, I had been wide awake, feeling every scrape and now the wound's exposed. Sooo bloody painful I sh*t you not. Poking me again, twice, (take note that now it is 6 injections already) and slowly, SLOWLY I feel that the numbness has started to move upwards to the affected area. Alhamdulillah. But it was sooo faint (alhamdulillah) though I could still feel some pain. It's a bit more painful than a needle prick. It was bearable, and I told him honestly. The whole time when he was digging out the pus I was praying hard that whatever amount of numbness there wouldn't wear off and leave me 'unprotected'. I was scared I might feel it a 100% again like I did before. The nurse looks at me occasionally and alerts the doctor whenever she thinks I'm feeling the pain. I'm telling you, dear people that I did feel the pain. Remember I told you that the doctor himself said that I'm not supposed to feel a thing that he should be able to cut my finger w/o me feeling it? well, I am here to tell you honestly that it was far from that and if he were to really cut my finger just to 'test' the effectiveness of the medicine/anesthesia I would have passed out due to immense pain.

This brought me to think of the past pains I have endured. I am not trying to brag here, na'outhubillah (God forbid/protect me from praising myself in such a manner) I was reminded of the incident nearly 8 years ago in 2004 where I fell and tore my head open a few inches. I was bleeding, not so profusely but there was blood. They took me to a clinic and they stitched me, 4 stitches on my head WITHOUT ANESTHETIC! Can you imagine that? Can you imagine a hooked needle with a special kind of thread going through your skin on your skull at least 4 times? And your sister watching the whole damn thing? Mariah saw the whole process of sewing her sister's head. aikudposfcjksnck right? hmm. I was in so much pain then but I thought that was normal. I tried doing the technique again. I find myself exercising the technique in times like these. Also when I try to pop really painful zits on my forehead I do the breathing technique which is quite effective if you put your mind to it. Eh no, technically you detach your mind from the pain, haha.

So what i'm trying to say here is that I have noticed, judging by the times where I've been stricken with such torturous, agonizing, pain, that I am able to endure and control myself. Despite the fact that everyone I know recognizes me as a type of person whose emotions are unstable, physical pains like these, I have full control over them when I'm really feeling it. When I was fighting the pain, lying down in the bright room, all I could think of was embracing this pain with open arms and feeling it and getting into it. I move on to detaching my mind and putting as far away as possible from what I'm experiencing. I dare not let myself lose that control I have over my mind. With my head throbbing, I could feel all my other senses coming alive, my body was in an uproar. It screamed, a muted scream. This was war. I have been under the knife without anesthesia before, I can do it again. This moment, I was re-living it again. I was forced to create my own anesthetic. And I don't deal with many circumstances in my life where I had to practice this. With not many 'practices' and 'experiences', I just had to go through it. I also was thinking of the hadeeth of the Prophet:

"No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

I thought of it as an expiation of sin. I am a sinner, I sin a lot. No one is infallible, everyone is flawed. No one can escape from being 'imperfect'. Everyone is accountable for their own deeds and will be rewarded pr punished accordingly. And I was also thinking of the sufferings of other Muslims in the other part of the world where they are being persecuted, maimed, killed, gassed to death, bodily mutated, bombed etc. Surely my pain was incomparable to theirs. Surely they've gone through so much more than I do. Don't ask me why but I was actually thinking of Benazir Bhutto's father as well! The night in jail where he stayed up and waited for morning when he was to be hanged to death. (maybe it was because I was reading Benazir's autobiography in the waiting room) Surely that was more agonizing, seeing your death is evidently inevitable! I was glad, alhamdulillah to survive the whole thing. It all lasted for 20 long minutes.. but it felt like 20 hours. He cleaned up my finger and I saw him quickly chuck the bloody stuff away! My stomach churned and twisted at the sight of blood. After he dressed it and nicely put that tape of 'oxide' and secured it with gauze, he let my hand go. I brought it forward to my face a little too fast that it came a little too near to my nostrils.. I forgot that my hand was numb. I couldn't feel a thing. My hand looked 5 times bigger than its actual size. Doc told me it would be back to normal size. I asked him when will the numbness wear off (it was starting to take effect now. haha. my body finally gave in) he said about 2-3 hours. And I got soo terrified. He also told me there would be throbbing and more pain later when it wears off. and with a sorry look on his face he admitted that he did "dig" my finger. He used this word: "korek". It literally means dig. I asked whether it was deep. He said not very. Pffffft yeah right. I could feel the needle touching the core and he said it isn't?! Also, he told me that actually the last 2 injections he gave me were less stronger than the first 4. and he didn't understand why the first 4 didn't work. Without nothing else to say I got off, grabbed my bag and said thank you to him. I'm not sure if patients are supposed to do that once they've been treated because I do that all the time and no doctors ever replied me. I swear I made it clear. But maybe they aren't supposed to receive things like that- the word 'thanks' lol. Dunno la.

I fought the urge to ask him and the nurse the name of the anesthetic they induced in me. It was for educational purposes and also for my blog. The latter part of my reason I didn't plan to include haha. But I didn't ask. Too tired and too hungry. We had to wait again. It was about 6.30 so I went to the surau for 'Asr prayers. Luckily I had time. For wudhu'/ablution I skipped my finger and just wiped over it, taking the 'mas'h' ruling. The salaah was a very emotional one, alhmdulillah. I was satisfied with myself; my bravery, my strength, everything. I was so grateful that it would be a major sin NOT to thank the One who puts me through tests and trials and yet gives me all the good stuff I need to get through them. Mom called before and I answered very crisply. I know I'm not supposed to do that but I was hurt. It's better to speak few words than blurt everything out that might cost me the wrath of the One who created me and my mom and everyone else.

Went down again to the waiting room and my father paid the bill and I got my meds. The bill was a whopping RM877.35! Oh yeah, x-ray and all that. The other day when I saw the Dermatologist for my skin meds and my blood test it was close to RM400. I said the same thing to my father as I did to my mom when she paid the bills the other day. "I didn't ask for this". It's true. I didn't ask for a problematic skin. Nor did I ask for a finger surgery. My dad said it was okay. Swiped out his card, he signed and do all that shizz and we went home.

I hope that was comprehensible. (I don't expect it to be comprehensive, but at least I hope you understood.)

I am okay with my mom now. Please do not think I'm always at sword-locking terms (whatever that means) with her. It's just that she has high expectations of her eldest daughter and she knows I am capable enough to handle things myself. She did say she was sorry though. So I'm cool. At least for now. Please don't get it wrong! I love my mummy! But as many of you know who isn't in a love/hate relationship with their mom? We love each other and we expect a lot of each other. My final say: my mom's cooler than yours. Deal with it.

This is me, removing myself from pain. My own brand of anesthesia. I urge every one of you to try it.

This practice has helped me a lot. It's all in the mind.

nice one, Hanim. But it's my pointer/index, not thumb, silly!

The book I mentioned. This is what I'm reading currently.

haste

2011-05-11T21:58:00.000+08:00

new post on my mommy coming up soon. Sorry for the lack of substance in my previous posts. You could say I've been extremely busy ): I miss blogging! see you peeps soon.

Dear 16 year old me.

2011-05-08T02:52:00.004+08:00

May we be protected :'(

[wants]

2011-05-07T15:18:00.001+08:00

[all things yellow]

[coral + yellow]

[lazy day]

[casual day out]

2011-05-03T02:28:00.000+08:00

2011-05-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

ivory, gold and diamonds.

2011-04-30T09:20:00.006+08:00

I watched the Royal Wedding yesterday :') Oh Kate looked so beautiful and William looked as bald as ever! But still charming.

| 'today there are 2 marriages, the marriage of catherine and william an the marriage of monarchy and the rest of us'

While on tumblr.. "I happened to be on Kate Middleton’s Wiki page to read up on her bio, and watched the phrase “Prince William’s fiancee” change to “wife” literally before my eyes the second that the Archbishop declared them as married. :) " |

Dress by Sarah Burton. Personally I thought the dress was pretty simple as compared to Diana's huge puffy sleeves 15 years ago. But I like this way :)

Pippa Middleton and the bridesmaids

Princess Eugenie of York and Princess Beatrice of York arrive to attend the royal wedding. The Fascinators cometh!

The daughters of Earl Spencer sit in the pews at Westminster Abbey. Check out the Heidi Montag-lookalike on the left!

| Bride Kate Middleton is wearing ivory, but it’s the maid of honor that throws us off. Pippa’s wearing ivory, too, in a move that flies in the face of conventional bridal wisdom: that no other woman at the wedding should wear any shade of white. |

nah I think it's milky white, not ivory.

| Kate’s very fancy something old, new, borrowed and blue

Something old: The bridal gown, from Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen, featured “traditional Carrickmacross craftsmanship,” a lace technique that dates back to the 1800s.
Something new: Her parents gifted their daughter with custom-made diamond oak-leaf earrings with a diamond-encrusted acorn set in the middle, a nod to their new family crest.
Something borrowed: Kate’s tiara, on loan from the queen herself, per royal wedding tradition, is a 1936 Cartier “halo.”
Something blue: We can’t see it, but a blue ribbon is sewn into the interior of her dress. |

Meet Grace Van Cutsem, the Tiny Frowning Bridesmaid Who Stole the Show.

| “The [royal wedding] cake, made by Fiona Cairns, was designed using the Joseph Lambert technique- |

Curious Charles

Harry!

Prince William and Kate Middleton smile as they travel to Buckingham Palace along the Procession Route.

similar to Grace Kelly's, right? It's also, to me, very much like a Kebaya top! that's why we're all not THAT fascinated by it. Not much wow factor. But oh well, the dress looked great on her and she wore a smile so contagious it got me a little emotional for a while there :')

An Alexander Lee McQueen design by Sarah Burton. The train of the dress was 2meters and 70cm long which was made from white lace and satin. Individual flowers were hand-cut from lace and hand-engineered onto ivory silk tulle to create a unique and organic design incorporating the English rose, Scottish thistle, Welsh daffodil and Irish shamrock. The veil was made of layers of soft, ivory silk tulle with a trim of hand-embroidered flowers.

I feel you, lady

A camper brushes her teeth outside her tent on April 27. She’s one of many who pitched tents near Westminster Abbey to get prime wedding-watching spots.

Eat the royal wedding! Beef Eater sears a royal wedding portrait .

The Becks, unlike the Obamas, are among the guests invited. Others whom I spotted: Elton John, Rowan Atkinson(Mr.Bean!), Chelsy Davy(Harry's on and off GF).

Victoria Beckham wearing one of her own designs and a Phillip Treacy hat.

...among the thousands

and just to remind myself.. people will grow old. *sigh..

♥ Congratulations, Catherine and William :D